Ballsy Boston Broad

Everthing happens for a reason
Up until last Friday night, I was always a firm believer in the saying “Everything happens for a reason.”  I prescribed to the idea that people could look back on the disappointments or letdowns in their lives and (more or less) understand how (through some unexpected twists and turns) better things eventually came about as a result.

 

Fast forward to September 4, 2009….. Note to self: That saying is complete bullshit. And I hope that it vanishes just like the saying “war on terror” did from the Obama Administration’s vocabulary.  I say that now because I sincerely believe that I will never be able to look back on my disappointing date last Friday and find a morsel of good that comes from it.

 

True story

The following is a true story.

The name of the single man has been changed to protect his anonymity.

The lesson of the story single ladies: The vast majority of single, heterosexual men in today’s world suck.

Especially you, Matt Miller.

Douchebag.

 

The joke was on me
Leading up to the date, he did everything right.  Shortly after our first encounter, he picked up the telephone like a ‘big boy’ and asked me out. (You see single men…It can be done. Now give it a try!).  He followed that up with a few cutesy emails and of course he Facebook friended me.  Needless to say, he followed all of my “pre-date” rules to a tee.  For once, I had no complaints!  Not to mention, he was attractive, tall, athletic (a former D-1 athlete), held a good job, and from what I could infer from his Facebook photos, he was close to his family and had lots of friends.  Ladies he seemed like the “full package.”  Looking back, I had every reason in the world to believe I had met a “good guy”…boy was the joke on me!

 

Fast forward to September 4, 2009 at 6:00PM
Since we live on opposite sides of the city, the plan was to meet at the outdoor bar right outside the Nationals Stadium for a few drinks and some live music before hitting up the game.  In typical Nationals fashion the ball park was less than 1/3 occupied and the majority of fans were from the opposing team.  But none of that phased me because it was a gorgeous night out and I had a hot date.

 

Of course I get there promptly at 5:50PM to ensure myself a few minutes to fix my hair and touch up my lip gloss before he arrived….

6:00PM…

6:01PM…

6:02PM…(looking at my watch)

6:05PM…(sigh)

6:08PM…(random scalper approaches me and says “hey baby, you need some tickets?”)

6:10PM…(“What the f*ck, where is he?” I mutter beneath my breath)

6:16PM…(Text message from my date: “Just got off Metro”)(He is late. Strike #1 crosses my mind…)

 

I see him approaching from the distance.  He is wearing a baseball cap (I give him a pass since we are at a baseaball game), a tee-shirt (Strike #2—he should have worn a polo shirt) and is sporting a pair of khaki shorts.  I am so disgusted by the fact that he already has 2 strikes a mere 30 seconds into the date, I neglect to even check out his footwear of choice.

 

Now I swear on my running sneakers, the first words out of this bozo’s mouth were “Oh I am so getting hammered tonight.”  I KID YOU NOT!  It was not “Hi Kristina, nice to see you” or “You look nice.”  It was “Oh I am so getting hammered tonight.” Now not for nothing, for those of you who know me or at least quasi-Facebook know me, do I strike any of you as someone who likes to go out and get “hammered.” Gosh, or at least I hope not?!?!

 

Now in all fairness, I thought to myself, “ok, maybe he is joking” and proceeded to follow him to the bar.  After the bar tender checks our ID’s, my date says “How about I get this round and you get the next?”  (Strike #3).  At this point I just obliged.  I knew there would never be a second date, but I figured I might as well just make the best of this date since I did trek out all this way out here and I wanted to see the ball game.

 

Well, I might as well make the best of it
So we chatted a bit…well, it was mostly me asking him questions about himself since he seemed not to give two shits about me. (Strike #4)  We managed to get through two drinks but the whole time I was getting more and more annoyed by his frequent dropping of the F-bomb.  Christ, who was I on a date with?  Andrew Dice Clay?!?! Now don’t get me wrong, I have a tendency on occasion to swear like a sailor, but I would never curse on a date, let alone on a first date!  That is just plain rude and inconsiderate.  After all, he was in the presence of a “delicate lady” (Strike #5)

 

On our way to the front gate to buy tickets, an attractive, athletic blond girl yells his name from afar.  Turns out they used to play kickball together.  RED ALERT:  Let me say upfront, I love my kickball player friends.  They are funny, athletic and the life of the party…but I think even they can agree on this rule: You should never, ever, ever date a kickball player unless you yourself are a kickball player. Kickball players are their own clique and should date only amongst themselves.  If you ever dated a kickball player and you yourself were not one, you know exactly what I am talking about…Moving on….

 

So she offered us two tickets to join a group of her friends in a suite for $20/each that included free alcoholic drinks, sodas and appetizers.  Without even consulting me, he replied “F*ck yeah!”  I then meticulously watched as he slowly reached into his wallet and pulled out 1 $20 bill to pay for his ticket.  I am sure you can imagine the disgust on my face.  Rolling my eyes, I handed her my $20.  Again, I just told myself to soldier on because maybe the Nats might put on a real show tonight. Wow, looking back I was quite the optimist (The Nats of course lost).

 

I will admit the suite was ultra.  The drinks were flowing, there were flatscreen televisions on every corner of the room, a private bathroom, outdoor seats that looked like recliners…I mean it was a real treat and quite the upgrade from the $5 bleacher seats I am accustomed too.  After about 15 minutes of phony talk with the other guests, we decided to venture out of the suite to get some dinner.

 

“I’ll be right back”
After a brief jaunt around the “specialty suite” food area, and intense inner debate with myself over whether I wanted a hamburger or chicken sandwich, I decided to order from Capitol Carvery. Rather than be a gentleman and order at the same stand as me, he obnoxiously said “Eh, I want a sausage.  I’ll be back.”  At this point I was too hungry to get aggravated.  After waiting in line for 15 minutes (let’s just say the carvers where not the quickest bunch in the Capitol) I looked around to try to find my date.  He was nowhere in sight. I figured his line must have been slower than mine.  After about 10 minutes, I texted him “Are you still in line?”…..2 minutes later he texts me back “No, I am back in the suite” (SEEING RED, DAGGERS COMING OUT OF MY EYES).  I just sighed and made my way to the suite.

 

 When I arrived, my date was sitting in between two other people eating and happily carrying on a conversation.  He must have been back there for quite a while since his sausage was ½ devoured.  I grabbed a stool and joined the group.  At this point I struck up a conversation with a nice young woman who graduated Harvard Law School.  In awe of her academic achievements and having always been a bit regretful that I never went to law school, I was curious to learn how she liked Harvard and what type of work she does….During this conversation, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that my date stepped outside to watch the game.  I just ignored him and remained steadfast on mission to learn whether the allegations made in the book 1L were true!  In hindsight I want to kick myself. I should have been more interested in finding out if there were any single Harvard men in the suite!!  Well anyways….

 

The Kickball Rule
Then I looked outside to see what my gem of a date was up to.  While I should not have been shocked at anything at this point, what I then saw even made my jaw drop….He was having a grand ole time sitting outside with his arm around the kickball girl! Laughing and chatting away, the two were very cozy.  I mean couldn’t he just have waited until I left before he went macking on another girl?  He should have at least had the decency to finish our date before he went on the prowl for some easy ass that night.

 

Don’t get me wrong, my blood was boiling.  But at the same time, I could not help but laugh.  I even wondered how much longer I should just stick around just to see what jackass move he would make next. I mean at this point, it was actually becoming entertaining.  I mean for all I knew, he would be down on bended knee proposing by the 7th inning stretch.

 

I can assure you the ballsy broad in me wanted to storm over to the love birds and curse them out.  But, since I was among other people, and Harvard girl, I decided to suck up my pride.  I walked over, shot both of them daggers and said “I am going to head back into the city.”  He quickly jumped out of his seat and replied “uh, ok. I will walk you to the door.” I turned my back to him and said, “Nope, I am all set” and walked out.

 

The date was over.  Just like that I headed back to the Metro and went home.

 

I never heard from him again.  No text later that night to see if I managed to navigate home safely on the green light without a bullet proof vest.  No call the next day to apologize.  Nothing.

 

You have to laugh, right? And of course blog…
Well, I hope my latest dating disaster gave you a few chuckles.  I guess maybe everything does happen for a reason.  Looking back years from now, I am sure this story will bring me a lot of laughs.  Like I always say, “At the end of the day when it comes to dating, we all have to have a sense of humor.”

$4.20-Round trip Metro ride

$13-   2 Bud Lights + tip

$20-   1 Baseball ticket

$11-   1 Chicken sandwich from Capitol Carvery

 

 The look on his face when he reads this…PRICELESS!!!

 

If you have any comments or know of any eligible, tall, good looking, athletic single men in the DC area who don’t have a habit of abandoning their date please contact me at Kristinablair8@gmail.com.

Is this really true?
A recent article published by MSNBC.com states that according to the National Center for Health Statistics, “very few American women need fear being an old maid.” In fact, 86% of women marry by age 40.  Whoa!…Hold up here.  Let me get this straight—86% (scratching my head)…  Jeez, way to make the 14% out there feel like total shit.  Talk about a blow to their self-esteem.  With that said, I am having difficulty digesting this 86% figure.  Ok, not for nothing, but I cannot even get a man to pay for my $2.04 coffee on a date, and this government agency is telling me that unless I completely let myself go or become a hermit, I will more than likely be married in the next 13 years.  Now don’t get me wrong, the thought of having to endure another decade of dating clueless single men makes me want to vomit, but I have to wonder how can this be true? As women age, do the standards they hold for single men precipitously decline?  

Once a woman hits a certain age, does she toss aside her principles and just accept any ole bachelor that comes along who is willing to tie the knot?  No wonder single men refuse to follow “the rules.”  (see previous blog postings) They know that when they are ready to settle down (if ever) there are plenty of women out there who will be more than happy to overlook their poor dating etiquette simply with the promise that a diamond ring will make an appearance in the near future.  I really hope women are not settling.   I know, I know…women want to look young in wedding photos and there is the whole biological clock issue…I get it.  I just hope women are not letting men off the hook. I will tell you right now this single broad will never look twice at a man that refuses to fork it over on a first date or does not have the balls to pick up the phone to call for a date.  I would rather be an old maid living with cats (even though I am allergic) than settle for some of the pathetic bastards that I have crossed paths with…. Now that I got that off of my chest…moving on…

 

Speaking of Bastards….Jon Gosselin
What a disgrace that Jon Gosselin is.  Who does he think he is prancing around France posing for the camera with his 22-year old girlfriend?  And then professing his love for his new flame to People Magazine.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I have seen the trainwreck of a show that is Jon & Kate Plus 8, and to be honest I think Kate is a controlling bitch.  Nevertheless, she has done nothing to warrant the disrespect he has shown her and his rat pack of children. The balding, potbelly fool is clearly going through a mid-life crisis.  If I was a judge, I would give the bastard limited visitation and force him to pay Kate thousands of dollars in alimony every month. I don’t care if she needs the money or not.  She can at least use it to pay for a new hair stylist (Christ, what the hell do you call her hairdo?) He should no longer be allowed to earn a profit from that show.  I hope his sons do not follow in their Daddy’s footsteps…Ok, I have said my piece.

 
Yes, I admit it. To the chagrin of the Feminist Majority, I am a loyal subscriber to Cosmopolitan Magazine. And let me just say that despite Cosmopolitan’s claims of having a female editorial staff, I swear men secretly write those articles. The underlying message is always “make the man happy” or “how can you better please the man.”  I can just picture a dark, underground room with a bunch of unattractive, bald, overweight single men at computer screens typing away and making “mwhahahaha” sounds. 

Wtf Cosmopolitan Magazine?
Eh, well sadly I am a sucker.  Every month I anxiously await my next issue in the same fashion Democrats await the next Republican sex scandal.  Even though I know most of the articles are complete bullshit, I cannot help but get drawn in by the promise of new tips and revolutionary insight into the modern single man’s mind.  Yeah, it’s pathetic I know.  Especially considering men are such simple creatures.  I mean insight into what?  You can make the average single man happy by simply putting him in front of a TV, with a bucket of wings in his lap, a Miller Lite in his left hand and the remote in his right. In the words of Porky Pig, “That’s all folks.”  It’s not the riddle of the sphinx we’re dealing with here. Nevertheless, every month single ladies like myself flock to the newsstand hoping that this month “eureka” will strike and we will learn how to attract a “nice single guy.” 

 

In the August issue of Cosmopolitan, there is an article that I just feel compelled comment on.  It’s probably one of the stupidest articles I have ever read…in Cosmo that is.  Does Cosmo think its’ audience is a bunch of fools?!?!  In fact, I was so disgusted after reading this piece I even contemplated canceling my subscription.  Of course I didn’t (hehe)…but nonetheless I did think about it for a legit 60 seconds. That gotta count for something, right?

The article is titled, “12 Sexy, Totally Free Dates” by Molly Triffin and can found on page 120. (I am giving you the page number so you can bypass the plethora of perfume and handbag advertisements.)  Listen, I know times are tough.  We are all looking to cut back. But, these dates are so lame and that no single man or woman (no matter how strapped for cash) would ever actually go through with one.  I would love to confront Ms. Molly Triffin and ask her which planet she is living on and, most importantly, who the hell this idiot banged to get such a great gig at Cosmo. Anyway, so here are a few of the dates Ms. Triffin suggests for those financially challenged singles out there …

Date #1: Going to dinner with your guy usually means forking over a lot of dough…unless you feast on complimentary samples.  Head to a grocery store that gives out nibblers (Costco, Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods).  Then hit up a wine shop during a tasting night.  For dessert, stop by an ice-cream parlor and ask to try a bunch of flavors.

Wtf?  Just picture this for a second. Can you imagine how pathetic that would be…just think about.  I hereby make a plea to my friends out there.  Listen, if I ever date a guy who makes me beg for a sample of chicken cordon bleu at Costco then hauls me off to Coldstone to assault the teenager working the counter for free scoops of chocolate ice-cream…Please just shoot me!  Really, I am giving you complete permission via this blog.  Does Molly Triffin also want us to sing Kumbaya as we skip from Ikea table to Ikea table pleading for free samples? Give me a friggin break.  If I am going on a date, I want a nice meal God damit.  Sorry, but “nibblers” are not going to suffice most people’s appetite.  And might I add, I take offense to her first statement “Going to dinner with your guy usually means forking over a lot of dough”….sweetie, did you read my Rule #3…Us ladies will not be forking over anything

Date #2: Split appetizers at your favorite chain restaurant, and have them foot the bill.  All you have to do is join their e-club. 

 

Date #3:  Don’t shell out to see a football game.  Some pro teams let fans watch them during the preseason for free.  Bonus: You can make out in the stands without being surrounded by drunk dudes.

Ok, first of all what professional football teams in this day and age actually let fans watch pre-season games for free?  Christ, it costs $5 for a freaken bottle of water at most of these stadiums. Granted, I mean you probably couldn’t even pay fans to go watch a Detroit Lions or St. Louis Rams pre-season game, but otherwise competitive franchises sell their tickets for a pretty penny.  Second, who really even wants to go to watch as teams pit their “all-star third-string” lines against each other.  Do I really want to go see a bunch of guys I don’t know run around hitting each other and grabbing their crotch? If I am going to have to watch a football game, I want to see some Tom Brady action.  Sorry, but Matt Gutierrez does not do it for me.  Third, and no offense ladies, why would a man want to even go see a football game with a woman? For christ sake, very few of us actually understand the game.  Why would he want to be barraged with questions? As smart as Ivy-League educated, Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonja Sotomajor is, I bet even she doesn’t understand the difference between a zone and a man-to-man defense.  Hell I bet even the poetic genius Maya Angelou is thinking “A Rock, A River, A Tree, what the hell is a red flag penalty?”

Date #4:  Want to have a night out with him—art, wine, cheese—and pay nada for the whole shebang? Go to a gallery opening. 

Molly, you are killing me here.  A gallery opening? Christ, if I cannot afford to go to Giant (Stop& Shop for you Bostonians) to buy a bottle of Yellowtail and a block of Cabot, then what on earth makes you think I have a designer little black dress in my closet and Jimmy Chu heels ready to hit the town.  Not to mention all the primping that goes along with such an event.  And let’s back track…why the hell after a long week of work would I want to schmooze with a bunch of phonies and pretend to be awestruck by artwork that resembles my pre-school finger paintings.  I want a date to be fun.  What are you going to suggest next…a quick jaunt over to the Holocaust Museum.

Welp, that’s all I have for this edition.  Again, if you have any comments or know Molly Triffin’s cell phone number so I can prank her, feel free to contact me at Kristinablair8@gmail.com. 

Before I get started…
No doubt South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is happily singing “Man in the Mirror” right now.  Due to the sudden death of pop icon, Michael Jackson, the media’s coverage of the Sanford scandal disappeared quicker than the sun in Boston.  Needless to say, in this day in age, we are about as shocked to learn that an elected official is having an extramarital affair as we are to learn that a professional baseball player is using steroids.  In other words, it is merely commonplace in society—A few recent examples include Sen. David Vitter, Sen. John Ensign, former Sen. John Edwards, former New York Attorney General Elliot Spitzer…and of course the one that takes the cake, Governor Mark Sanford. Now it takes every fiber in my body for me not to go off on a rant about why these men are hypocrites, especially the Republicans in the group, who relentlessly preach family values and the sanctity of the institution of marriage on the campaign trail.  But, I will refrain for the time being. Rather, I feel the need to comment on what disgusts me most about each of these men–their WIVES.

 

What is wrong with these women?  I just don’t understand.  They are a disgrace.  Every single one of them. They can play that damn Tammy Wynette song until the cows come home, but the fact that they continue to stand by their man, despite the fact that their husbands intentionally deceived and lied to them, makes them look like desperate, pathetic fools. This whole nonsense about staying together for the sake of the children is rubbish.  It actually does more harm that good because it only creates a false sense of security and love for the kiddies. Why put on such a facade of love? This is not 1940.  Each of these women are capable of living independent and financially stable lives. Where is their self-respect? Where is their dignity?

 

For instance, let’s take Darlene Ensign.  Shortly after her husband admitted his affair during a press conference, she issued a statement saying, “the couple’s marriage has become ‘stronger’ after the affair and that she loved her husband.”  Give me a break. I would bet their marriage is about as strong as Bernard Madoff’s defense case.  And how about Elizabeth Edwards?  Now let me say upfront that I admire her courage and strength as she battles terminal cancer.  She seems like a wonderful mother and kind woman, but while her douchebag ‘Ken doll’ of a husband sought the Democratic nomination for President, she stood right by him even after she new of his past rendezvous with that ‘Sofia Cappola’ wannabe campaign staffer.

 

And then of course there is the biggest idiot of them all, Jenny Sanford.  After her husband publicly declares that his Argentinean mistress is his soul mate and that he has had several other indiscretions in the past, she issued a statement saying, “The real issue now is one of forgiveness. I am willing to forgive Mark for his actions. The Bible says, “In your anger do not sin.” (Psalm 4:4) In this situation, this speaks to the essence of forgiveness and the critical need to channel one’s energy into positive steps that uphold the dignity of marriage and the family, and lead to reconciliation over time.”  She is a god damn moron for staying with him and I hope he cheats on her again and again. I have no sympathy for her.  In fact, she is setting a very poor example for her boys, who will probably go on to cheat on their wives because hey why not?  The Bible preaches forgiveness, and Mommy forgave Daddy.  Jenny, do me a favor, screw the Bible and try this: “I am filing for divorce, seeking full custody of the children and getting my bastard husband for every penny he’s worth.”(Psalm Ballsy Boston Broad 7:14)Ok, enough of the Stepford wives…

 

 Single men, c’mon did you really think I was finished?…
It’s been almost two weeks since I posted my “Public Service Announcement for Single Men” and I’m stunned by the amount of hits and comments I have received from both sexes in response to the “5 Rules” I laid out.  While I was not surprised that women applauded my blog in the same fashion Madaam Speaker Nancy Pelosi applauded President Obama during his State of the Union Address, I was however taken aback by good number of men who concurred with me.  In fact, a lot of male readers agreed that not picking up the tab or calling for a first date was as unacceptable as Rosie O’Donnell wearing a string bikini in public.  A few even expressed that they were embarrassed that their breed could be so oblivious about such proper first date protocol.  With that said, I of course also received some backlash from other male readers who argue that the “Rules” are complete bullshit and the fact that I even prescribe to such nonsense probably explains why I am single in the first place.  I also got the occasional smart ass comment like, “Well wonder if the first date is a baseball game, the guy is not allowed to wear a baseball cap?”  (rolling my eyes) Umm, listen of course there are obvious exceptions. Christ I am not saying the “Rules” are written in stone.  But I do sincerely believe that for the most part, they should apply on the majority of first dates.

 

I am not a dating expert

This blog is in no means intended to be a dating/relationship blog.  I fully intend to continue to comment on current events, politics and celebrity news.  However, given that the “Rules” seem to give people a chuckle, raise some eyebrows, as well as piss a some single men off, I feel compelled to add a few more.  Now, I am no Candace Bushnell or Dr. Ruth, but I have been on enough bad dates and a handful of good dates in my time to know what men should do and not do if they want to gain the respect of a woman the first time around.

 

I can already hear the bitching from the single men out there, “Ulgh, more Rules?”  Of course, there are more rules!  Listen, you single men should be kissing my feet, especially you Washington, DC bachelors.  I cannot speak for other parts of the country, but for the most part the men of the mid-Atlantic are completely clueless.  I am doing you a public service by telling you what you should do, and what you should not do.  Hell, this ballsy broad could go on forever, but I know you men have very short attention spans so I will be curt.

 

I know it appears that on the surface I am just a “man hater.”  I assure you I am not.  I know some very good men who treat their partners like gold.  Granted most live in Dupont Circle, but the point is I know what men are capable of.  That is why I am trying to help you schmucks out and improve your game.  Believe me, I know us single women have our own issues, but we usually don’t reveal our psycho behaviors or insecurities till much later on.  Christ sake, you men cannot even get past the first date!

 

I will be honest. I was apprehensive about creating a sequel since we all know most sequels typically blow—think Speed, Teen Wolf, Child’s Play, Grease…the follow-up to these silverscreen gems were a huge letdown.  But what the hell, maybe I will luck out just like Spielberg did with Back to the Future….

 

The Rules, Part II

 

6) Do NOT arrive late
Set your alarm clock, blackberry, cell phone…whatever the hell you use to keep track of time.  Just don’t be late!  In fact, I always recommend arriving 5 minutes early.  Believe me that will earn you bonus points in any lady’s eyes.  I get so disgusted if I am scheduled to meet a guy at 8PM and he texts me at 7:59:59 PM to tell me that he is running late!  Thanks a lot for the heads up dumbass (while I am already at the bar waiting) My rule of thumb is tardiness is excusable only if he arrives late looking like Tom Brady, with the body of Matthew McConaughey and the sense of humor of Jimmy Fallon.  Otherwise ladies, cut the clown loose.  Men, that means you have to do your homework. Therefore, if you’re taking the METRO, quickly check the website to see if there are any major delays or if there is single tracking on your line.  If you’re driving, quickly check the local traffic to see if there has been a major pileup on your expected route. If so, you better leave extra early. Now, I understand sometimes things happen that are uncontrollable.  But more often than not, the real reason a man shows up late is because he brilliantly decides to lay down for a nap a few hours before the date, only to wake-up all disheveled, discombobulated, and groggy.

 

7) There is no binge drinking in dating
Do not pull a David Hasselhoff.  Look if you’re a light weight, that’s alright.  We are not judging you by how much alcohol you can consume at one sitting.  I think most women actually prefer men who keep the cocktails to a minimum, especially on a first date.  That tells us you are genuinely interested in getting to know us and are focused on the content of what we are saying (even though we know you sneak a peek at our ass when we go to the restroom).  Do us a favor, have something to eat before the date, stay clear of mixed drinks or do whatever the hell else is necessary to prevent you from slurring your words.  It’s very sad for a woman on a date to have to sit back and watch a man drink himself into a stupor. It’s unattractive and I guarantee there will not be a second date.  Save the beer pong and flippy cup antics for post-kickball. There is nothing more embarrassing than having to ask the bartender to “cut you off.”  So remember when you’re on a date, keep the drinking to a minimum, plus it will keep your tab less expensive…cause remember Rule #3…You’re paying.

 

God help you, be a gentleman
Men, I am about to describe what is perhaps the most infuriating and disrespectful act you can commit on a first date.  So, face forward lads and listen up!  Now pay attention you horny bastards, there is nothing more appalling than having great first date—laughing, non-stop and easily flowing conversation, genuinely enjoying each other’s company, flirtatious touches here and there—then having it end with the male whispering in the woman’s ear, “Hey, want to come back to my place?”—RED ALERT, LOUD SIRENS—Now it’s not for me to judge any woman’s prerogative, but unless she explicitly invites herself back to your bat cave, do not even think about asking her to do so on a first date. Now if you ignore this rule and foolishly do so anyway and she declines, for the love of god just accept a simple no.  Why is it always in this circumstance that a man decides to embrace his inner Johnny Cochran persona and plead his case for the next 30 minutes as to why the woman should rethink her decision.  Listen fellas, no is no. Get over it. There is nothing more pathetic than a man begging a woman to come home with him.  Can’t you just be satisfied with a peck goodnight?  I understand we are a society that thrives on instant gratification and that the whole courting process is viewed as a hassle to single men these days.  But if you want a second date (as well as to free yourself of the risk of being blogged about by some ‘ballsy broad’ out there) then just be happy with a peck and go settle “back at your place” with the latest issue of Maxim.  That’s all I am going to say on that matter.

 

9) Don’t be socially retarded
I hope I am not offending anyone with my choice of words, but I honestly don’t know how else to describe it.  I think even Sarah Palin would allow me the liberty of using this phrase. By ‘socially retarded’, I am talking about those men who lack basic, rudimentary conversation skills.  I am talking about a man with skills so poor that I would rather converse with a wall.  Nothing is worse than when you’re on a date and it feels like you’re pulling teeth for conversation  As my good friend Charlotte says, “The last thing I want to do on a date is play interviewer.”  For instance this is NOT acceptable,

Me: “What kind of music do you like?”

Man: “Classic rock”

Me: “Cool, what’s your favorite band?”

Man: “Led Zeppelin.”

Me: “Gotcha…[awkward silence] umm..umm..what’s your favorite song?”

Man: “Stairway to Heaven”

Me: [rolling my eyes] [planning my escape from this date]  Cool.

 

If a woman asks a question, all a man has to do is turn it around and ask her the same thing.  The bottom line is, if you’re a single man and know you lack basic social skills…in other words, if you are an engineer or computer geek by profession, then take a class or ask your female friends for help in this arena.  As a woman who has been in this situation, I can tell you it’s really uncomfortable and excruciatingly painful to have to sit there and think up questions just to pass the time until it’s safe to leave to go “meet up with friends in the area.”

 

10) Text her to see if she gets home safely
Now if you never want to see the girl again, then by all means do not feel obligated to text her to see if she got home safe.  In fact, I whole heartedly encourage you not to text her.  By not texting, it serves to give a woman an advance heads up notice that she should not bother fretting about whether or not you will call for a second date.  But if you have any inclination that you would like to see your date again, you must text her to see if she gets home ok.  Oh, stop sighing! It only takes 10 seconds to compose the text, “Did you get home ok?” I find it so aggravating the next day to get an email or text from a man that reads, “Hope you got home ok.”…You hope?!?!?!  I could be dead in a gutter some place for all you know by now.  Don’t’ you see, it’s totally a moot point the next day

 

Welp, that about wraps it up for now.  I hope that single men out there will take these Rules to heart.  I am really just trying to do them a public service by telling them exactly how to act on a first date.  Men always complain that women never tell them what they want.  They argue that we just make insinuations and give hints rather than spelling things out clearly.  Well, no more excuses because I  just told all you single men out there exactly what “most” women want on a first date.

 

If nothing else and you think I am full of shit, I hope you can at least have a laugh.  Because at the end of the day when it comes to dating, we all have to have a sense of humor.

 

Happy dating everyone!

 

If you have any comments or know of any eligible, tall, good looking, athletic single men in the DC area who would like to prove to me that they can master my rules, feel free to contact me at Kristinablair8@gmail.com.

Just in case you are curious, a grande coffee at Starbucks costs $2.04.  If you’re a friend of mine chances are that you have already heard my rant about my coffee date this past Sunday.  While the rage has somewhat dissipated, the experience was the catalyst that provoked me to write this blog, or what I like to refer to as my “PSA for Single Men.”  It’s my contribution to society and most importantly, single men.  Hey, Gloria Steinem might not approve, but you cannot please everyone.

 

The Infamous Coffee Date
In case you have not been privy to my recent facebook or gchat status messages, basically the story goes as follows: Man invites me on a date for coffee on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  (Now keep in mind, this is valuable time in which I could have been basking in the sun or catching up on the latest New Jersey Housewives saga).  But I decided what the hell.  It’s only coffee right? Plus ‘to boot’ he was tall and good looking, in other words he would be considered endangered specie in Washington, DC.  Before we sat down to engage in phony first date typical banter, we approached the Starbucks barista to order our beverages.  After I ordered my grande coffee, I politely took a step back to allow him to place his order.  The cashier promptly glanced to him and said, “And you sir?”  Rather than order his coffee, he did the unthinkable (and I remember it vividly)…He took a step back and said, “No, that’s ok I will pay for my own.” [Seeing red, daggers coming out of my eyes, blood pressure skyrocketing, smoke coming out of my ears] After letting out a huge sigh of utter disgust and doing my infamous eye roll, I shook my head, threw the $2.04 at the cashier and stomped my way over to the table, all the while mumbling profanities under my breath. In hindsight, I should have just told him what I really thought and walked the hell out.  This man could do nothing in my eyes to save face at this point. I don’t care if he told me he used to be in the Peace Corps, volunteers every week with the homeless or is a self-made Millionaire (well let’s not go crazy, perhaps I would have cut him some slack if here was a Millionaire… Pfff hey, times are tough) Nah I kid, nothing he could have said would have changed my mind.  He was already written off in my book.

 

**Public Disclaimer
Let me say that given my rather disastrous dating history, I probably have about as much of a right to write about dating as Britney Spears does to write about parenting.  With that said, I nonetheless urge everyone to pay it forward and hand my 5 Rules to at least one single man you know.  Let face it ladies, single men these days are friggin clueless.  They need our direction.  Parents, teachers and the media are all failing to teach young boys how to properly court a lady.  Of course we all know a few exceptional men who treat women like princesses. But they are about as prevalent as Republicans in Massachusetts. For the most part, men today are about as generous as Ebinezer Scroodge, polite as Barney Frank and as honest as Barry Bonds.

 

A recent young, single, male friend of mine (let’s call him “The Gimp”) that I often turn to for insight into the male psyche because I value his bluntness, recently told me my problem is that I hold men to a pedestal and expect too much.  Is The Gimp right? Am I expecting too much?  After contemplating The Gimp’s assertion, I have come to the conclusion that his argument is simply a cop out.  It’s an excuse that men use to justify the reasons why they act the way they do.  I challenge my friend, The Gimp, and argue that women should not settle for anything less than what they deserve.

 

So without further or do….I give you my Public Service Announcement….

 

 

2) Dress Appropriately
Do NOT show up in a t-shirt.  Do NOT show up in a pair of raggedy jeans you have worn incessantly since college.  Do NOT show up in sneakers that have mud stains on them and a ripped heel.  Do NOT wear a baseball cap with sweat stains dating back to the last time the last time the Orioles won the World Series.  (I can already hear the bitching from men now)….No one is asking you to show up in a double breasted tuxedo!  A simple polo and nice pair of jeans will suffice.  Comb your hair, brush your teeth, spray on a little cologne…it’s not that hard.  Compare to the primping us women have to endure before a date, men have it easier than getting tickets to a Nationals baseball game.

 

3) Don’t Be a Cheap Bastard
Listen, I know the economy is tough.  It’s a hard time for everyone right now.  But that is NO excuse not to pay for a woman on a first date.  I don’t care if after the date you are forced to go stand in the local breadline, if YOU ASK A GIRL OUT…YOU PAY!  When the bill comes you better reach for it faster than Kirstie Alley for a Krispy Kreme doughnut.  If you don’t have the money to foot the bill for a few drinks (think HH specials!!) or a friggin cup of joe, then buddy you should not even be concerned with dating.  I would suggest you go home, brush up the ole’ resume and hit the employment ads.  I don’t want to hear whines about women’s equality or it not being fair.  Life is not fair.  You pay on a first date.  There is simply no if, and or but.  Just suck it up and hand the server your Debit Card….and be sure to leave a tip J

 

4) Never EVER Bring Up the Ex
On a first date, I may want to know about your family?  I may be curious about what type of music you like? I may even inquire about your ideological leanings?  BUT unless a woman explicitly asks about your ex-girlfriend…Do NOT bring her up…EVER.  We don’t want to know!!  It makes us immediately wonder if you still are harboring feelings for her.  C’mon men, you know how we are.  The minute you drop the ex-factor we will be stalking your Facebook page to see what she looks like or spend countless hours pondering why you broke up.  Just spare us this aggravation.

 

5) Brush Up on Your Manners
Listen, I am not asking you to run to Barnes & Noble and pick up “Class with the Countess.”  Cripes, I don’t think you should be subjected to that kind of torture.  All I am saying is to be a class act.  Open a door, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, silence your phone, do not text your friends, ask her questions….you know, simple things Mommy taught you back in grade school.  It seems men today are ignorant of the aforementioned polite gestures.  Get on the ball men!  My single, attractive, 20something girlfriend (let’s call her Charlotte) once said, “I will never date East Coast boys.  They don’t open doors.”  While it may be true that on average East Coast boys are less chivalrous than Southern or Midwestern boys, I argue forget the accent, the whole entire population of single men needs a lesson in manners.  And on a side note boys, if you take a girl for a bite to eat, can you at least refrain from ordering buffalo or hot wings?  Us ladies do not want to witness how many dirty napkins you can accumulate or and how much hot/bluecheese sauce you can manage to get on your cheeks.

 

Well, I think that about does it.  I hope single men will take these rules seriously or at least offer some retort as to why I should consider amending any one of the 5.

 

Happy Dating Everyone!

1) Dating is really nothing more than a stand-up comedy routine. 
Every dater has their routine well rehearsed in advance.  We all go into a date knowing what we want to reveal about ourselves and the questions we want to ask about our date.  On dates, people tell the same jokes, recount the same old stories and recite the same biographical talking points that they do on all first dates.  Once in a while you might come up with the nerve to try out some new material, but by and large we have our acts down pat.  At the end of the date, you either get cheers or jeers.  If you get a goodnight kiss you know your act got a standing ovation….if, on the other hand, you get a hug and a “I’ll give you a call sometime” you know you struck out that night. 

 

2) Men are cheap. 
Sorry boys, but it’s true.  For Christ sake, if YOU ask a lady on date, then YOU pay.  It’s not rocket science.  I don’t care if its dinner, drinks or coffee.  You damn well better fork it over when the bill comes.  Don’t let the bill just sit there or even give her time to reach for her purse.  As soon as the waiter or bartender places the bill down on the table, you better reach for it quicker than a fat kid for a twinkie.  Yes, I totally admit that the dating game favors women with respect to paying, but if men knew how much more time it takes women to primp and get ready to go out, then I argue it really all evens out in the end. 

 

3) Chivalry is dead. 
(I hear the sound of taps in the background)…R.I.P. Chivalry.  While I concede that it may be resurrected here and there by a few Southern and Midwestern gentlemen out there, it has been six feet under for decades, especially amongst East coast men.  Men—is it really hard to open a door for a lady or text a girl after a date to make sure she got home, ok?  I mean c’mon it does not take a lot of effort on your part.  I think the death of chivalry can be attributed to the absence of fathers in young boys’ lives, as well as those friggin nutcase feminists who instilled a sense of fear in men that chivalrous acts are condescending, but whatever the case may be, it’s time to shape up boys! 

 

4) Women overanalyze everything. 
Women, c’mon…It’s really simple to tell if a guy likes you. You don’t need an Ivy League degree to know whether a guy “is just not that into you.”  It’s really quite simple. If he calls you after a date and asks you on another date that same night, then he is interested.  If he doesn’t, well then I am sorry but he is not.  Give him no more than a week to ask you out again, then cut him loose and move on.  Don’t make up all these outrageous and unrealistic scenarios in your mind of why he is not calling you.  And most important, don’t go looking for things you could have done differently.  The point is that a woman knows in her gut if she is being treated “right.”  If you are not, then is it’s not meant to be.

 

5) Women Should Seek Out Older Men. 
No, I am not saying that older men are nicer, kinder, more loyal…rather men mature at a slower rate than women.  I would guess at a rate of 4 years.  Of course that rate is open to much debate.  So as I figure it, it a woman goes on a date with a 30 year old guy, she is really dating a man with a 26 year old mindset and mentality.