Well hello there….Yeah, I know it’s been awhile since I last blogged.  Frankly, there is no excuse for my prolonged absence. Moving forward, I am going to make a real concerted effort to blog regularly and update my Twitter account @ BallsyBroad everyday.

Anyway, so I am sure the first question that a lot of you might have is “Are you going to blog about any bad dates you had during your absence from the blogosphere?”  Well to be honest, I wish I could offer you up some juicy material. But after years of dating utterly clueless men and well frankly a handful of assholes (read about my infamous coffee or baseball game date as examples), I finally found a gem that makes me very happy.  That’s all I will say on the matter.  But I do hope my dating experiences offer other frustrated single gals out there a glimmer of hope that nice guys do exist. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. It takes a lot of effort to find, but its well worth it in the end.

Well Christ, enough mushy stuff for this ballsy broad. I plan to get back to business blogging about current events, politics, celebrities and of course things that annoy the shit of me…and let me assure you that my shit list is growing longer than the Senate Healthcare bill!!

First Things First, President Obama

First things first, I am not going to bore you all with my political rantings as I am sure you have had enough of those on my Facebook page.  But I need to set the record straight on my feelings toward President Barack Obama.
I am an independent thinking, socially liberal Republican and I voted for President Barack Obama.  I threw my staunch support behind Obama as soon as old man McCain announced that he chose that dimwit Sarah Palin as his running mate.  I don’t even need to elaborate as to why I immediately jumped ship. Just watch her interview with Katie Couric to understand where I was coming from.  Click here to watch that train wreck of an interview.

Now my gripe with Obama is that he has about as much of a backbone as a fish.  He is not the leader that he promised and vowed relentlessly to be on the campaign trail.  I would think anyone, but especially liberals, who voted for Obama must be frustrated or feel hoodwinked by his failure to enact real reform. Let me say upfront, I think his decision to close Guantanamo Bay is foolish; I think his healthcare plan is a $900 billion dollar piece of shit; I think his spending habits are reckless; I think he should withdraw troops from Iraq; and I think the only jobs his stimulus package will create will be for Republican lawmakers in state legislatures across the country.  I could go on and on with my policy gripes with Obama. As you can see, there is very little I actually agree with him on…

But that’s not why President Obama pisses me off. It’s not the substance of the policies he preaches that has me up in arms.  Rather, it’s the fact that he does not have the balls to move forward with his policies.  Even though I don’t agree with the bulk of his agenda, I would have more respect for him if he demonstrated conviction and steadfastly exhausted all means to accomplish it. Who cares if John Boehner is crying foul, or if Jim Bunning is giving you the finger or even if Dick Cheney is giving you the Dr. Evil stare…F-the Republicans and the Teabaggers.

Democrats won the presidency and the Congress. Obama should use whatever means necessary albeit the reconciliation process, vote buying, the nuclear option, an executive order…I don’t give a shit what he uses, just institute CHANGE god damn it. That’s what he promised and now it’s time for him to deliver. Hell the political climate is not getting any better for the Democrats. There is no more proof than the election of Sen. Scott Brown to fill the late Teddy Kennedy’s seat in my home state, otherwise known as the People’s Republic of Massachusetts.  Enough is enough, President Obama. Stand up to the opposition and pass your policy agenda. The Republicans will never agree with you or make any concessions. We all know that. They view obstructionism as a political strategy as a means to enable them to win back the Congress in November. For Christ sake, put on your Nike hat President Obama and “Just Do It”!!!!

What Else Got My Goat Lately?

Ellen DeGeneris

Oh that Ellen DeGeneris. I will be forthright in that I think she is as about as funny as watching Schindler’s List over and over. Frankly I find her wit and humor quite painful. And don’t even get me started on her dancing. But that’s besides the point. I know she is a big hit with the stay at home Mom crowd and middle-aged hermits who have had as much sex as Gary Coleman. Nevertheless, she has no friggin business being a judge on American Idol. She offers no meaningful commentary. If I were a contestant, I would tell her to take her man-suit and shove it. Poor Simon Cowell. That poor bastard. I mean what an insult to make him have to be on a panel with her. He is like a CEO forced share an office with an intern.  Good for him for giving Fox the finger and starting up his own show next year.

Facebook

Speaking of fingers, when the hell is Facebook going to finally get a dislike button and get rid of Farmville. I am sorry, every time someone sends me a Farmville request I lose just a little more respect for that person. Unless you’re my ten year old cousin, it’s unacceptable. Any person that spends time organizing a fake farm with imaginary animals on Facebook is quite pathetic and sad in my book. 

You know what else annoys me about Facebook, the phony birthday messages everyone posts on each other’s walls. Now don’t get me wrong, I am guilty as charged and frequently post Happy Birthday on “friends” walls. But, it annoys me how everyone feels the need to send birthday greetings to all of their 878 friends throughout the year.  Now it’s one thing if the birthday boy or gal is actually a close friend, family member or co-worker that you actually socialize with. It’s another to write “Happy Birthday Jenny! I hope you have a great day!” if Jenny is a girl you went to middle school with and have not seen or talked to in 20 years. I mean get real. Do you really care if Jenny has a good day? I sure as hell bet you don’t. I wish we all could write what we are really thinking about Jenny…”Happy Birthday Jenny! Cripes, you’re a mess. What the hell happened? …Have a good day!”

And my other Facebook annoyance these days is when people post a deep or profound quote as their status. You know what I mean…like a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson such as “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”  I mean okay that’s cool if you want to give yourself some motivation or something. Fine I understand. But c’mon if you’re going to post it, then try to actually live by it. Don’t follow that posting up the next day with “Oh, I am so hungover today. I need to stop doing Tequila shots”…Just be consistent is all I am saying.

The Express Line at the Grocery Store

Before I get ready to watch American Idol and roll my eyes at Ellen, there is one more rant I need to get off my chest. I was at the grocery store with my boyfriend recently and we were waiting in line to purchase a grocery cart full of food items. I let mean let me tell you—the damn cart was packed to the max.  So we are waiting and waiting and then a man with a gallon of milk and can of Campbell’s tomato soup walks up behind us in line. At first I thought he was confused and mistook our line for the Express line (you know 12 items or less). But no he just got in line and proceeded to stare at me like I was supposed to let him go ahead because he had 2 items and I had 53.  Now this has happened before to me. What the hell? Is this like some scheme or ploy people use to expedite their way to the front of the line? C’mon shoppers, but if you have less than 12 items please go to the Express line or self-checkout line (although as you already know I hate those too!)

Okay, well that’s it for now. Thanks so much for reading!

As always, feel free to friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter @ ballsybroad, or email me at Kristinablair8@gmail.com. Shameless self promotion I know…

This Broad has gone primetime

Let me just say that I am humbled by how many people have visited my blog since it was launched earlier this year, especially given that my blogging has been irregular and sporadic.  Moving forward, I intend to blog at least once per week.  My goal is to increase Ballsybostonbroad.com’s visibility and online presence by driving more traffic, albeit direct or indirect, to this site.  Any word of mouth and/or viral plugs would be greatly appreciated in helping me attract more readers 

You can now share my posts on social networks like Facebook or even sign-up to follow me on Twitter!  Also, you can subscribe to my RSS feed which will notify you when I publish a new post.  And of course, if you have your own blog and add me to your blogroll, just send me a note and I will surely reciprocate.

As always, thanks for reading and I hope my sarcastic social commentary on life will at the very least give you a laugh.

~Kristina

Random shit that annoys the hell out of me, Part 2
I will be honest.  There are just certain things in life that annoy the shit out of me, even though deep down I am fully cognizant of the fact that they shouldn’t.  I know I should not let such stupid little things aggravate me, but I can’t help it.  In no particular order, the following things annoy the shit out of me:

1) Airline pilot announcements
It annoys me mid-way through a flight when an airline pilot announces over the intercom that the “winds are now coming out of the NW” and we are “cruising at an altitude of 35,000ft.”  Who the hell cares what direction the winds are blowing at or how high up the plan is? What difference does it make to passengers? My only concern in a post 9-11 world is to get to my destination safely.  Pilots always seem to make such useless announcements right as I am dozing off to sleep.  I think that unless there is an emergency like the wheels are stuck or the co-pilot passed out, pilots should be instructed to keep quiet and concentrate on flying the plane.

2) People who read at the gym
Now I will be forthright and fully disclose that I am a bit of a gym snob.  I take my workouts seriously and do not go the gym to socialize and flirt. I am there to burn calories, build muscle and increase my stamina.  I think if you take the time to go to the gym, you should play by the rule: “No pain, no gain.”  People should either suck-it up and work-out hard till they are red in the face, or they should just otherwise stay home. I get so irritated when I see people lackadaisically reading a newspaper on the elliptical machine or reading a Nora Roberts romance novel while peddling 2mph on the stationary bike.  I mean c’mon! I wish more people would just focus on their workout performance and actually attempt to burn a sweat.  In a world where free time is limited, why do some people waste their time going to the gym if they’re not going to get anything out of it?

3) Teddy at Washington Nationals games
It annoys me to watch Teddy lose the Presidents race at every Nats game. For those of you who do not live in Washington, DC, the Presidents Race is a fixture at Washington Nationals home baseball games, and has become a fan favorite during the 4^th inning. Since there are rarely enough fans in attendance to actually pull off a 7^th inning wave, Nats fans take pride in the Presidents Race.  But not for nothing, can Nationals senior management hire a new Teddy.  I don’t think he has ever won the race.  He always starts out strong but then 15 yards-in slick GW or rectangle face Lincoln whisk right on by him.  Who the hell is training Teddy?  Give me 2 weeks with Teddy and I guarantee he will win!  The “Buck Stops” here with this broad. I will “speak softly and carry a big stick” by putting ole TR through a rigorous routine of daily interval training and strict dieting.

4) The phrase “Little Boys” or “Little Girls” room
It annoys me when people try to be all cutesy and say, “I will be right back. I am just going to the little boys (or girls) room.” Umm, excuse me but it’s called a bathroom or a restroom.  The phrase “little boys or girls room” sounds like something right out of a child molester’s mouth. Unless you are a cast member on the show “Little People, Big World,” please refer to the john as a bathroom or restroom.

5) People who use Facebook status updates as their personal Twitter
It annoys me when people update their Facebook status every 2 minutes.  Ok, now don’t get me wrong. I update my Facebook status at least once, sometimes twice a day and I also typically post one or two news articles bitching about something.  Guilty as charged, I am a Facebook addict. However, I am conscious never to post more than 2 status updates per day because that is what Twitter is for.  Why don’t people understand the distinction? If you want to tell the world what you are doing every 2 minutes then use Twitter.  Otherwise, it’s only proper Facebook etiquette to refrain from numerous status updates each day.

6) Overweight women and nail salons
It annoys me when I go to the nail salon and see overweight women getting their fingers and nails trimmed, repaired, scrubbed, polished…and much, much more.  I know I am going to raise some eyebrows and piss some people off, but I am just being honest with this one.  Let me be upfront and say I am not trying to be insensitive here, as I myself used to be overweight. But my annoyance stems from the question that if you are overweight, why the hell do you care about what your nails look like?  I mean not for nothing. People will be far too focused on your back rolls and muffin top, as opposed to your French manicure.  A decent mani and pedi can run a gal a pretty penny these days. If I were overweight, I would be dishing out the dough on a gym or Jenny Craig membership, rather than at the nail salon.   

7) Single-men & email
Now what would this list be without me ranting on the bane of my existence—clueless single men.  It annoys me when I meet a guy and give him my phone number only to have him take the pussy way out and email me (or even worse, Facebook friends me).  In most cases (especially if he is cute) I oblige and exchange of a few emails back and forth.  But if after the 3^rd or 4^th email, the guy does NOT ask me out, I get aggravated and cease communication. For crying out loud, I am not looking for a pen pal.  I am looking for a potential mate.  It’s very Charles Manson-esque to keep exchanges emails with a man without him suggesting a date. (Ladies remind me to add that one to “my rules for single men”)

8)Varsity Rejects
It annoys me when I encounter post-college aged kickball players that think they are “real” athletes. Now before the hate mail begins, I know there are probably a good group of kickballers who are accomplished athletes, but I am just telling you what I have recently observed. In a previous post I espoused the kickball rule “You should never, ever, ever date a kickball player unless you yourself are a kickball player. Kickball players are their own clique and should date only amongst themselves.” That aside, it annoys me when after their games, smelly kickball players swarm a bar like cops after a 50-cent concert. They completely take over the bar and walk around with attitudes like they are these great athletes.  It just makes me laugh because looking at their physique it’s clear that a lot of them probably could never hack it or compete in high school sports.  Rather, they are now re-living their varsity reject days through kickball.  Maybe I am bitter because on more than one occasion a kickballer has spilled beer on me while attempting to carry 4 pitchers of Miller Lite back to his team or because they take-over the entire bar with their flippy cup antics. I am not trying to rain on the kickball parade. All I am saying is that perhaps some of these players should act like real athletes and focus on working out their quads and biceps, as opposed to their liver.

9) Tons of empty seats, but the person sits right next to me
It annoys me when I go to the movies or attend a sporting event and there are rows and rows of empty seats available and a person sits their ass right down next to me.  I don’t get what people are thinking when they do this.  Frankly, it’s creepy.  Of all the seats available, why must you plop down right next to me!  For Christ sake, I like my personal space and I don’t want to share the arm rests.

10) Did you find everything you were looking for?
It annoys me when I get to the register and a sales cashier asks me, “Did you find everything you were looking for?”  It takes every fiber within my being to resist the urge to say, “Obviously I did, otherwise would I be standing in line to pay? Wouldn’t I still be shopping if I was looking for something else?”  I just don’t get this question.  More and more I find it being posed to me at registers, albeit a department store or a drugstore.  Attention sales cashiers: If I still am looking for something, I would be shopping rather than twiddling my thumbs standing in line.

11) When TV news reporters ask stupid questions?
It annoys me when television news reporters ask stupid questions to everyday people during an interview.  For instance, I was watching the news the other day about the flash floods and heavy rains in Georgia.  A reporter on a well known “fair and balanced” news station that will remain nameless asked a man, whose home was just washed away by the torrential rains, “So how are you feeling? What thoughts are going through your head right now?”  Similarly, a local DC news reporter asked the grandmother of a murder victim “What do you think about what happened to your grandson (who was gunned down in a drive-by shooting)?”  Ok, what the hell is wrong with these reporters. How do you think the man feels after losing his home? Mind you this is probably a home that he worked his entire life to pay for. And how do you think the poor grandmother who lost her only grandchild feels? C’mon, it’s degrading and disrespectful to ask people such asinine and moronic questions at such a morose time in their lives.

12) When a person points out the obvious
It annoys me when a person points out the obvious to me.  For instance, recently I was entering my apartment building juggling my purse, gym bag, a case of Coke Zero and 3 Giant grocery bags full of food, all the while trying to maneuver my keys to open the main door.  As I made my way to the elevator, I contorted my body to hit the up button and stood patiently waiting as my arms cried in pain.  As I stood their waiting for the elevator to reach the ground floor, a guy approached the elevator. A few seconds later, my phone started ringing.  Now obviously I heard it but I was too focused on balancing all my shit to make the effort to reach for it in my purse.  This clown then looks me directly in the eyes and says “You know your phone is ringing.”…I will leave it up to you to imagine the disgusted look on my face. I wanted to scream “Yes, you fool!  Obviously I know!  I just don’t want to put all my bags down to answer it!” Cripes. But instead, I just looked at him with a phony smile and replied “Yes, I know thanks.”

Well, that’s all for now folks.  No doubt I will be back with another edition of “Random Shit that Annoys Me, But Really Shouldn’t” soon.  Thanks to J and “Sophia” for a few ideas. And as always, I hope at least one of my rants made you crack a smile.

Everthing happens for a reason
Up until last Friday night, I was always a firm believer in the saying “Everything happens for a reason.”  I prescribed to the idea that people could look back on the disappointments or letdowns in their lives and (more or less) understand how (through some unexpected twists and turns) better things eventually came about as a result.

Fast forward to September 4, 2009….. Note to self: That saying is complete bullshit. And I hope that it vanishes just like the saying “war on terror” did from the Obama Administration’s vocabulary.  I say that now because I sincerely believe that I will never be able to look back on my disappointing date last Friday and find a morsel of good that comes from it.

True story

The following is a true story.

The name of the single man has been changed to protect his anonymity.

The lesson of the story single ladies: The vast majority of single, heterosexual men in today’s world suck.

Especially you, Matt Miller.

Douchebag.

The joke was on me
Leading up to the date, he did everything right.  Shortly after our first encounter, he picked up the telephone like a ‘big boy’ and asked me out. (You see single men…It can be done. Now give it a try!).  He followed that up with a few cutesy emails and of course he Facebook friended me.  Needless to say, he followed all of my “pre-date” rules to a tee.  For once, I had no complaints!  Not to mention, he was attractive, tall, athletic (a former D-1 athlete), held a good job, and from what I could infer from his Facebook photos, he was close to his family and had lots of friends.  Ladies he seemed like the “full package.”  Looking back, I had every reason in the world to believe I had met a “good guy”…boy was the joke on me!

Fast forward to September 4, 2009 at 6:00PM
Since we live on opposite sides of the city, the plan was to meet at the outdoor bar right outside the Nationals Stadium for a few drinks and some live music before hitting up the game.  In typical Nationals fashion the ball park was less than 1/3 occupied and the majority of fans were from the opposing team.  But none of that phased me because it was a gorgeous night out and I had a hot date.

Of course I get there promptly at 5:50PM to ensure myself a few minutes to fix my hair and touch up my lip gloss before he arrived….

6:00PM…

6:01PM…

6:02PM…(looking at my watch)

6:05PM…(sigh)

6:08PM…(random scalper approaches me and says “hey baby, you need some tickets?”)

6:10PM…(“What the f*ck, where is he?” I mutter beneath my breath)

6:16PM…(Text message from my date: “Just got off Metro”)(He is late. Strike #1 crosses my mind…)

I see him approaching from the distance.  He is wearing a baseball cap (I give him a pass since we are at a baseaball game), a tee-shirt (Strike #2—he should have worn a polo shirt) and is sporting a pair of khaki shorts.  I am so disgusted by the fact that he already has 2 strikes a mere 30 seconds into the date, I neglect to even check out his footwear of choice.

Now I swear on my running sneakers, the first words out of this bozo’s mouth were “Oh I am so getting hammered tonight.”  I KID YOU NOT!  It was not “Hi Kristina, nice to see you” or “You look nice.”  It was “Oh I am so getting hammered tonight.” Now not for nothing, for those of you who know me or at least quasi-Facebook know me, do I strike any of you as someone who likes to go out and get “hammered.” Gosh, or at least I hope not?!?!

Now in all fairness, I thought to myself, “ok, maybe he is joking” and proceeded to follow him to the bar.  After the bar tender checks our ID’s, my date says “How about I get this round and you get the next?”  (Strike #3).  At this point I just obliged.  I knew there would never be a second date, but I figured I might as well just make the best of this date since I did trek out all this way out here and I wanted to see the ball game.

Well, I might as well make the best of it
So we chatted a bit…well, it was mostly me asking him questions about himself since he seemed not to give two shits about me. (Strike #4)  We managed to get through two drinks but the whole time I was getting more and more annoyed by his frequent dropping of the F-bomb.  Christ, who was I on a date with?  Andrew Dice Clay?!?! Now don’t get me wrong, I have a tendency on occasion to swear like a sailor, but I would never curse on a date, let alone on a first date!  That is just plain rude and inconsiderate.  After all, he was in the presence of a “delicate lady” (Strike #5)

On our way to the front gate to buy tickets, an attractive, athletic blond girl yells his name from afar.  Turns out they used to play kickball together.  RED ALERT:  Let me say upfront, I love my kickball player friends.  They are funny, athletic and the life of the party…but I think even they can agree on this rule: You should never, ever, ever date a kickball player unless you yourself are a kickball player. Kickball players are their own clique and should date only amongst themselves.  If you ever dated a kickball player and you yourself were not one, you know exactly what I am talking about…Moving on….

So she offered us two tickets to join a group of her friends in a suite for $20/each that included free alcoholic drinks, sodas and appetizers.  Without even consulting me, he replied “F*ck yeah!”  I then meticulously watched as he slowly reached into his wallet and pulled out 1 $20 bill to pay for his ticket.  I am sure you can imagine the disgust on my face.  Rolling my eyes, I handed her my $20.  Again, I just told myself to soldier on because maybe the Nats might put on a real show tonight. Wow, looking back I was quite the optimist (The Nats of course lost).

I will admit the suite was ultra.  The drinks were flowing, there were flatscreen televisions on every corner of the room, a private bathroom, outdoor seats that looked like recliners…I mean it was a real treat and quite the upgrade from the $5 bleacher seats I am accustomed too.  After about 15 minutes of phony talk with the other guests, we decided to venture out of the suite to get some dinner.

“I’ll be right back”
After a brief jaunt around the “specialty suite” food area, and intense inner debate with myself over whether I wanted a hamburger or chicken sandwich, I decided to order from Capitol Carvery. Rather than be a gentleman and order at the same stand as me, he obnoxiously said “Eh, I want a sausage.  I’ll be back.”  At this point I was too hungry to get aggravated.  After waiting in line for 15 minutes (let’s just say the carvers where not the quickest bunch in the Capitol) I looked around to try to find my date.  He was nowhere in sight. I figured his line must have been slower than mine.  After about 10 minutes, I texted him “Are you still in line?”…..2 minutes later he texts me back “No, I am back in the suite” (SEEING RED, DAGGERS COMING OUT OF MY EYES).  I just sighed and made my way to the suite.

 When I arrived, my date was sitting in between two other people eating and happily carrying on a conversation.  He must have been back there for quite a while since his sausage was ½ devoured.  I grabbed a stool and joined the group.  At this point I struck up a conversation with a nice young woman who graduated Harvard Law School.  In awe of her academic achievements and having always been a bit regretful that I never went to law school, I was curious to learn how she liked Harvard and what type of work she does….During this conversation, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that my date stepped outside to watch the game.  I just ignored him and remained steadfast on mission to learn whether the allegations made in the book 1L were true!  In hindsight I want to kick myself. I should have been more interested in finding out if there were any single Harvard men in the suite!!  Well anyways….

The Kickball Rule
Then I looked outside to see what my gem of a date was up to.  While I should not have been shocked at anything at this point, what I then saw even made my jaw drop….He was having a grand ole time sitting outside with his arm around the kickball girl! Laughing and chatting away, the two were very cozy.  I mean couldn’t he just have waited until I left before he went macking on another girl?  He should have at least had the decency to finish our date before he went on the prowl for some easy ass that night.

Don’t get me wrong, my blood was boiling.  But at the same time, I could not help but laugh.  I even wondered how much longer I should just stick around just to see what jackass move he would make next. I mean at this point, it was actually becoming entertaining.  I mean for all I knew, he would be down on bended knee proposing by the 7th inning stretch.

I can assure you the ballsy broad in me wanted to storm over to the love birds and curse them out.  But, since I was among other people, and Harvard girl, I decided to suck up my pride.  I walked over, shot both of them daggers and said “I am going to head back into the city.”  He quickly jumped out of his seat and replied “uh, ok. I will walk you to the door.” I turned my back to him and said, “Nope, I am all set” and walked out.

The date was over.  Just like that I headed back to the Metro and went home.

I never heard from him again.  No text later that night to see if I managed to navigate home safely on the green light without a bullet proof vest.  No call the next day to apologize.  Nothing.

You have to laugh, right? And of course blog…
Well, I hope my latest dating disaster gave you a few chuckles.  I guess maybe everything does happen for a reason.  Looking back years from now, I am sure this story will bring me a lot of laughs.  Like I always say, “At the end of the day when it comes to dating, we all have to have a sense of humor.”

$4.20-Round trip Metro ride

$13-   2 Bud Lights + tip

$20-   1 Baseball ticket

$11-   1 Chicken sandwich from Capitol Carvery

 The look on his face when he reads this…PRICELESS!!!

If you have any comments or know of any eligible, tall, good looking, athletic single men in the DC area who don’t have a habit of abandoning their date please contact me at Kristinablair8@gmail.com.

1. Self-Checkout Lanes
It annoys me when a person thinks they’re a big shot and can ring up their own purchase only to fail miserably and have to endure the shame of having the store manager assist them.  I really wish grocery and drug-stores would do away with self-checkout lanes.  For Christ sake, from what I have witnessed, there are very few people in this world who are able to complete an entire transaction without the stupid overhead blinking light coming on or a sales clerk being called over to help.  People are just too stupid apparently.  There is nothing more excruciating than watching an elderly person attempt to use the self-checkout at the grocery store.  First of all, it takes them at least 20 minutes just to find their “Giant (Stop & Shop)” card.  But the worst part is watching them attempt to weigh and enter the produce codes into the register because the print on the produce stickers are too small for them to read.  It takes a good half-hour for an elderly person to determine whether an apple is a god damn Gala or Fuji.

2. Overweight People Who Post Status Messages About Food
It annoys me when overweight people post Facebook status messages about the fattening foods they have eaten.  Listen if you’re big and proud of it, well good for you.  However, personally I don’t understand how anyone could be overweight and be happy, but that’s just me.  Nevertheless, to each is own.  But I am just going to say it.  It outright disgusts me to hear status messages of “Susie had fried clams and french fries tonight from Kelly’s Roast Beef” when Susie can’t walk up a flight of stairs. Or “Steve is washing down his Five Guys cheeseburger with a milkshake” when ole Stevie can’t see his feet.  If I were tipping the scale, I would be self-conscious of my eating habits and would not flaunt them to the world.  I mean it’s like if an anorexic posting “no dinner for me tonight.”  I just don’t get it.

3. The Insert Key on the Keyboard
It annoys me when I accidentally hit the insert key, only to realize three lines of typing later I have completely typed over my existing text.  Why the hell does this key exist?  It just wreaks havoc.  There is no need for it.  If you need to insert something, simply use the mouse and insert.  This key provides no purpose other than to make your life miserable when you accidentally hit it.  I have never hit that key with the purpose of inserting something.

4. CVS Cashiers
It annoys me how impatient CVS cashiers are.  Ok, don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to rant on someone who makes $7.25/hour but the cashiers at CVS never even give you a second to drop your merchandise on the counter before they are up your ass asking “Do you have a CVS card?”  I mean let me catch my bearings and get settled at the register first.  They never give people a chance to catch their breath.  Most people do have their cards handy in their purse or pockets and will get them out if the cashiers just gave them 5 seconds to do so.  Now what really gets my goat is when every week I go to the same CVS and get rung up by the same cashier, and she always asks “Do you have a CVS card?”  WTF!! I come here every week. You know I have one!  Save your breath!

5. Monday Morning Office Talk
It annoys me how phony and disingenuous Monday morning office small talk is.  For example, a typical Monday morning office conversation plays out as follows:

Phil: “Good morning Jane, how was your weekend?”

Jane: “It was good Phil.  I went out Friday evening and relaxed the rest of the weekend. How was yours?”

Phil: “Great, I had some quality time with the wife and kids but it was too short as usual”

Jane: “Hahaha(phony laugh)..I know.  We had beautiful weather though.”

Phil: “Yes, it was simply gorgeous”

C’mon give me a break.  For once I would like people to be honest like this:

Phil: “Good morning Jane, how was your weekend?”

Jane: “Oh it was awful.  I had a terrible date with a cheap bastard who ‘broke all the rules’ on Friday and Saturday my AC broke. How was yours?

Phil: “Eh, my wife nagged me the entire weekend to stop playing Madden 10 and help her with housework and my son got in a fender bender in our new car.”

Jane: “Oh that sucks. And the weather did not help.  It was humid and muggy as hell.  I hate this god damn heat”

Phil: “Me too.  (sigh) Back to the grind.”

6. Metro Newspaper Workers
It annoys me every morning before I take the escalator down to the Metro, I am accosted by Metro newspaper workers shoving this rag in my face, practically forcing me to take one.  I don’t want to read that useless garbage.  If I wanted to read a paper on my way to work, I would pick up a respected publication like the NY Times or Washington Post.  All I want to do is listen to my Ipod in peace.  I read news all day long as a part of my job.  I don’t want to read a paper while I am squished like a sardine in an oven-heated Metro car!  Can you please leave me alone?  And on that note, why do we even need people handing out these papers.  Can’t Metro just place a stand with a sign, “Take One”?  Wouldn’t that save taxpayer dollars?

7. The “Keep in Touch” Line
It annoys me when people write “Keep in touch” at the end of an email, but you never hear from them again.  Why can’t people just be honest and say “have a nice life sucker”?

8. People Who Don’t Press Clear on the Microwave
It annoys me when people cannot take a few seconds to be courteous by simply pressing the clear button on the microwave.  Is it that hard after you have finished warming up your food, to press clear? I like to approach a microwave and see the time clock flashing in my face.  I don’t want to see how “High 2:34” on the screen!

9. Bags on Seats of a Crowded Metro Train

It annoys me when I force my way on to a crowded Metro car and I see a person occupying a seat with their bag.  How dare they take up a seat with their oversized purse or laptop bag.  It’s so nervy, especially when you see older people holding on the overhead rail for dear life as the train abruptly stops and starts from station to station.

10. Supermarket Tabloids
It annoys me when I am in line at the grocery store trying feverishly to find the article the tabloid has posted on the cover but it’s no where to be found.  I mean sometimes I think I would have a better chance finding Osama Bin Laden than the article with the pictures of the celebrities with cellulite or without make-up.  My god it’s so stressful because I only have limited time before I need to start putting my food on the moving belt.  Now granted I could dish out the four bucks and buy it to read at my leisure, but that takes all the fun out of it.  Christ almighty, I usually find myself praying the customer in front of me needs a price check to buy me a few more minutes to scan the pages of the juicy gossip laden paper.  Why can’t tabloids just put all their cover stories at the beginning and save us shoppers the anguish every week?

Well, that’s all for now.  I am sure I will I have a few more to add later on.  A special thanks to my Mom for giving me a few ideas

Is this really true?

Once a woman hits a certain age, does she toss aside her principles and just accept any ole bachelor that comes along who is willing to tie the knot?  No wonder single men refuse to follow “the rules.”  (see previous blog postings) They know that when they are ready to settle down (if ever) there are plenty of women out there who will be more than happy to overlook their poor dating etiquette simply with the promise that a diamond ring will make an appearance in the near future.  I really hope women are not settling.   I know, I know…women want to look young in wedding photos and there is the whole biological clock issue…I get it.  I just hope women are not letting men off the hook. I will tell you right now this single broad will never look twice at a man that refuses to fork it over on a first date or does not have the balls to pick up the phone to call for a date.  I would rather be an old maid living with cats (even though I am allergic) than settle for some of the pathetic bastards that I have crossed paths with…. Now that I got that off of my chest…moving on…

Speaking of Bastards….Jon Gosselin
What a disgrace that Jon Gosselin is.  Who does he think he is prancing around France posing for the camera with his 22-year old girlfriend?  And then professing his love for his new flame to People Magazine.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I have seen the trainwreck of a show that is Jon & Kate Plus 8, and to be honest I think Kate is a controlling bitch.  Nevertheless, she has done nothing to warrant the disrespect he has shown her and his rat pack of children. The balding, potbelly fool is clearly going through a mid-life crisis.  If I was a judge, I would give the bastard limited visitation and force him to pay Kate thousands of dollars in alimony every month. I don’t care if she needs the money or not.  She can at least use it to pay for a new hair stylist (Christ, what the hell do you call her hairdo?) He should no longer be allowed to earn a profit from that show.  I hope his sons do not follow in their Daddy’s footsteps…Ok, I have said my piece.

 
Yes, I admit it. To the chagrin of the Feminist Majority, I am a loyal subscriber to Cosmopolitan Magazine. And let me just say that despite Cosmopolitan’s claims of having a female editorial staff, I swear men secretly write those articles. The underlying message is always “make the man happy” or “how can you better please the man.”  I can just picture a dark, underground room with a bunch of unattractive, bald, overweight single men at computer screens typing away and making “mwhahahaha” sounds. 

Wtf Cosmopolitan Magazine?
Eh, well sadly I am a sucker.  Every month I anxiously await my next issue in the same fashion Democrats await the next Republican sex scandal.  Even though I know most of the articles are complete bullshit, I cannot help but get drawn in by the promise of new tips and revolutionary insight into the modern single man’s mind.  Yeah, it’s pathetic I know.  Especially considering men are such simple creatures.  I mean insight into what?  You can make the average single man happy by simply putting him in front of a TV, with a bucket of wings in his lap, a Miller Lite in his left hand and the remote in his right. In the words of Porky Pig, “That’s all folks.”  It’s not the riddle of the sphinx we’re dealing with here. Nevertheless, every month single ladies like myself flock to the newsstand hoping that this month “eureka” will strike and we will learn how to attract a “nice single guy.” 

In the August issue of Cosmopolitan, there is an article that I just feel compelled comment on.  It’s probably one of the stupidest articles I have ever read…in Cosmo that is.  Does Cosmo think its’ audience is a bunch of fools?!?!  In fact, I was so disgusted after reading this piece I even contemplated canceling my subscription.  Of course I didn’t (hehe)…but nonetheless I did think about it for a legit 60 seconds. That gotta count for something, right?

The article is titled, “12 Sexy, Totally Free Dates” by Molly Triffin and can found on page 120. (I am giving you the page number so you can bypass the plethora of perfume and handbag advertisements.)  Listen, I know times are tough.  We are all looking to cut back. But, these dates are so lame and that no single man or woman (no matter how strapped for cash) would ever actually go through with one.  I would love to confront Ms. Molly Triffin and ask her which planet she is living on and, most importantly, who the hell this idiot banged to get such a great gig at Cosmo. Anyway, so here are a few of the dates Ms. Triffin suggests for those financially challenged singles out there …

Date #1: Going to dinner with your guy usually means forking over a lot of dough…unless you feast on complimentary samples.  Head to a grocery store that gives out nibblers (Costco, Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods).  Then hit up a wine shop during a tasting night.  For dessert, stop by an ice-cream parlor and ask to try a bunch of flavors.

Wtf?  Just picture this for a second. Can you imagine how pathetic that would be…just think about.  I hereby make a plea to my friends out there.  Listen, if I ever date a guy who makes me beg for a sample of chicken cordon bleu at Costco then hauls me off to Coldstone to assault the teenager working the counter for free scoops of chocolate ice-cream…Please just shoot me!  Really, I am giving you complete permission via this blog.  Does Molly Triffin also want us to sing Kumbaya as we skip from Ikea table to Ikea table pleading for free samples? Give me a friggin break.  If I am going on a date, I want a nice meal God damit.  Sorry, but “nibblers” are not going to suffice most people’s appetite.  And might I add, I take offense to her first statement “Going to dinner with your guy usually means forking over a lot of dough”….sweetie, did you read my Rule #3…Us ladies will not be forking over anything

Date #2: Split appetizers at your favorite chain restaurant, and have them foot the bill.  All you have to do is join their e-club. 

Date #3:  Don’t shell out to see a football game.  Some pro teams let fans watch them during the preseason for free.  Bonus: You can make out in the stands without being surrounded by drunk dudes.

Ok, first of all what professional football teams in this day and age actually let fans watch pre-season games for free?  Christ, it costs $5 for a freaken bottle of water at most of these stadiums. Granted, I mean you probably couldn’t even pay fans to go watch a Detroit Lions or St. Louis Rams pre-season game, but otherwise competitive franchises sell their tickets for a pretty penny.  Second, who really even wants to go to watch as teams pit their “all-star third-string” lines against each other.  Do I really want to go see a bunch of guys I don’t know run around hitting each other and grabbing their crotch? If I am going to have to watch a football game, I want to see some Tom Brady action.  Sorry, but Matt Gutierrez does not do it for me.  Third, and no offense ladies, why would a man want to even go see a football game with a woman? For christ sake, very few of us actually understand the game.  Why would he want to be barraged with questions? As smart as Ivy-League educated, Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonja Sotomajor is, I bet even she doesn’t understand the difference between a zone and a man-to-man defense.  Hell I bet even the poetic genius Maya Angelou is thinking “A Rock, A River, A Tree, what the hell is a red flag penalty?”

Date #4:  Want to have a night out with him—art, wine, cheese—and pay nada for the whole shebang? Go to a gallery opening. 

Molly, you are killing me here.  A gallery opening? Christ, if I cannot afford to go to Giant (Stop& Shop for you Bostonians) to buy a bottle of Yellowtail and a block of Cabot, then what on earth makes you think I have a designer little black dress in my closet and Jimmy Chu heels ready to hit the town.  Not to mention all the primping that goes along with such an event.  And let’s back track…why the hell after a long week of work would I want to schmooze with a bunch of phonies and pretend to be awestruck by artwork that resembles my pre-school finger paintings.  I want a date to be fun.  What are you going to suggest next…a quick jaunt over to the Holocaust Museum.

Welp, that’s all I have for this edition.  Again, if you have any comments or know Molly Triffin’s cell phone number so I can prank her, feel free to contact me at Kristinablair8@gmail.com. 

Before I get started…
No doubt South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is happily singing “Man in the Mirror” right now.  Due to the sudden death of pop icon, Michael Jackson, the media’s coverage of the Sanford scandal disappeared quicker than the sun in Boston.  Needless to say, in this day in age, we are about as shocked to learn that an elected official is having an extramarital affair as we are to learn that a professional baseball player is using steroids.  In other words, it is merely commonplace in society—A few recent examples include Sen. David Vitter, Sen. John Ensign, former Sen. John Edwards, former New York Attorney General Elliot Spitzer…and of course the one that takes the cake, Governor Mark Sanford. Now it takes every fiber in my body for me not to go off on a rant about why these men are hypocrites, especially the Republicans in the group, who relentlessly preach family values and the sanctity of the institution of marriage on the campaign trail.  But, I will refrain for the time being. Rather, I feel the need to comment on what disgusts me most about each of these men–their WIVES.

What is wrong with these women?  I just don’t understand.  They are a disgrace.  Every single one of them. They can play that damn Tammy Wynette song until the cows come home, but the fact that they continue to stand by their man, despite the fact that their husbands intentionally deceived and lied to them, makes them look like desperate, pathetic fools. This whole nonsense about staying together for the sake of the children is rubbish.  It actually does more harm that good because it only creates a false sense of security and love for the kiddies. Why put on such a facade of love? This is not 1940.  Each of these women are capable of living independent and financially stable lives. Where is their self-respect? Where is their dignity?

For instance, let’s take Darlene Ensign.  Shortly after her husband admitted his affair during a press conference, she issued a statement saying, “the couple’s marriage has become ‘stronger’ after the affair and that she loved her husband.”  Give me a break. I would bet their marriage is about as strong as Bernard Madoff’s defense case.  And how about Elizabeth Edwards?  Now let me say upfront that I admire her courage and strength as she battles terminal cancer.  She seems like a wonderful mother and kind woman, but while her douchebag ‘Ken doll’ of a husband sought the Democratic nomination for President, she stood right by him even after she new of his past rendezvous with that ‘Sofia Cappola’ wannabe campaign staffer.

And then of course there is the biggest idiot of them all, Jenny Sanford.  After her husband publicly declares that his Argentinean mistress is his soul mate and that he has had several other indiscretions in the past, she issued a statement saying, “The real issue now is one of forgiveness. I am willing to forgive Mark for his actions. The Bible says, “In your anger do not sin.” (Psalm 4:4) In this situation, this speaks to the essence of forgiveness and the critical need to channel one’s energy into positive steps that uphold the dignity of marriage and the family, and lead to reconciliation over time.”  She is a god damn moron for staying with him and I hope he cheats on her again and again. I have no sympathy for her.  In fact, she is setting a very poor example for her boys, who will probably go on to cheat on their wives because hey why not?  The Bible preaches forgiveness, and Mommy forgave Daddy.  Jenny, do me a favor, screw the Bible and try this: “I am filing for divorce, seeking full custody of the children and getting my bastard husband for every penny he’s worth.”(Psalm Ballsy Boston Broad 7:14)Ok, enough of the Stepford wives…

 Single men, c’mon did you really think I was finished?…
It’s been almost two weeks since I posted my “Public Service Announcement for Single Men” and I’m stunned by the amount of hits and comments I have received from both sexes in response to the “5 Rules” I laid out.  While I was not surprised that women applauded my blog in the same fashion Madaam Speaker Nancy Pelosi applauded President Obama during his State of the Union Address, I was however taken aback by good number of men who concurred with me.  In fact, a lot of male readers agreed that not picking up the tab or calling for a first date was as unacceptable as Rosie O’Donnell wearing a string bikini in public.  A few even expressed that they were embarrassed that their breed could be so oblivious about such proper first date protocol.  With that said, I of course also received some backlash from other male readers who argue that the “Rules” are complete bullshit and the fact that I even prescribe to such nonsense probably explains why I am single in the first place.  I also got the occasional smart ass comment like, “Well wonder if the first date is a baseball game, the guy is not allowed to wear a baseball cap?”  (rolling my eyes) Umm, listen of course there are obvious exceptions. Christ I am not saying the “Rules” are written in stone.  But I do sincerely believe that for the most part, they should apply on the majority of first dates.

I am not a dating expert

This blog is in no means intended to be a dating/relationship blog.  I fully intend to continue to comment on current events, politics and celebrity news.  However, given that the “Rules” seem to give people a chuckle, raise some eyebrows, as well as piss a some single men off, I feel compelled to add a few more.  Now, I am no Candace Bushnell or Dr. Ruth, but I have been on enough bad dates and a handful of good dates in my time to know what men should do and not do if they want to gain the respect of a woman the first time around.

I can already hear the bitching from the single men out there, “Ulgh, more Rules?”  Of course, there are more rules!  Listen, you single men should be kissing my feet, especially you Washington, DC bachelors.  I cannot speak for other parts of the country, but for the most part the men of the mid-Atlantic are completely clueless.  I am doing you a public service by telling you what you should do, and what you should not do.  Hell, this ballsy broad could go on forever, but I know you men have very short attention spans so I will be curt.

I know it appears that on the surface I am just a “man hater.”  I assure you I am not.  I know some very good men who treat their partners like gold.  Granted most live in Dupont Circle, but the point is I know what men are capable of.  That is why I am trying to help you schmucks out and improve your game.  Believe me, I know us single women have our own issues, but we usually don’t reveal our psycho behaviors or insecurities till much later on.  Christ sake, you men cannot even get past the first date!

I will be honest. I was apprehensive about creating a sequel since we all know most sequels typically blow—think Speed, Teen Wolf, Child’s Play, Grease…the follow-up to these silverscreen gems were a huge letdown.  But what the hell, maybe I will luck out just like Spielberg did with Back to the Future….

The Rules, Part II

6) Do NOT arrive late
Set your alarm clock, blackberry, cell phone…whatever the hell you use to keep track of time.  Just don’t be late!  In fact, I always recommend arriving 5 minutes early.  Believe me that will earn you bonus points in any lady’s eyes.  I get so disgusted if I am scheduled to meet a guy at 8PM and he texts me at 7:59:59 PM to tell me that he is running late!  Thanks a lot for the heads up dumbass (while I am already at the bar waiting) My rule of thumb is tardiness is excusable only if he arrives late looking like Tom Brady, with the body of Matthew McConaughey and the sense of humor of Jimmy Fallon.  Otherwise ladies, cut the clown loose.  Men, that means you have to do your homework. Therefore, if you’re taking the METRO, quickly check the website to see if there are any major delays or if there is single tracking on your line.  If you’re driving, quickly check the local traffic to see if there has been a major pileup on your expected route. If so, you better leave extra early. Now, I understand sometimes things happen that are uncontrollable.  But more often than not, the real reason a man shows up late is because he brilliantly decides to lay down for a nap a few hours before the date, only to wake-up all disheveled, discombobulated, and groggy.

7) There is no binge drinking in dating
Do not pull a David Hasselhoff.  Look if you’re a light weight, that’s alright.  We are not judging you by how much alcohol you can consume at one sitting.  I think most women actually prefer men who keep the cocktails to a minimum, especially on a first date.  That tells us you are genuinely interested in getting to know us and are focused on the content of what we are saying (even though we know you sneak a peek at our ass when we go to the restroom).  Do us a favor, have something to eat before the date, stay clear of mixed drinks or do whatever the hell else is necessary to prevent you from slurring your words.  It’s very sad for a woman on a date to have to sit back and watch a man drink himself into a stupor. It’s unattractive and I guarantee there will not be a second date.  Save the beer pong and flippy cup antics for post-kickball. There is nothing more embarrassing than having to ask the bartender to “cut you off.”  So remember when you’re on a date, keep the drinking to a minimum, plus it will keep your tab less expensive…cause remember Rule #3…You’re paying.

God help you, be a gentleman
Men, I am about to describe what is perhaps the most infuriating and disrespectful act you can commit on a first date.  So, face forward lads and listen up!  Now pay attention you horny bastards, there is nothing more appalling than having great first date—laughing, non-stop and easily flowing conversation, genuinely enjoying each other’s company, flirtatious touches here and there—then having it end with the male whispering in the woman’s ear, “Hey, want to come back to my place?”—RED ALERT, LOUD SIRENS—Now it’s not for me to judge any woman’s prerogative, but unless she explicitly invites herself back to your bat cave, do not even think about asking her to do so on a first date. Now if you ignore this rule and foolishly do so anyway and she declines, for the love of god just accept a simple no.  Why is it always in this circumstance that a man decides to embrace his inner Johnny Cochran persona and plead his case for the next 30 minutes as to why the woman should rethink her decision.  Listen fellas, no is no. Get over it. There is nothing more pathetic than a man begging a woman to come home with him.  Can’t you just be satisfied with a peck goodnight?  I understand we are a society that thrives on instant gratification and that the whole courting process is viewed as a hassle to single men these days.  But if you want a second date (as well as to free yourself of the risk of being blogged about by some ‘ballsy broad’ out there) then just be happy with a peck and go settle “back at your place” with the latest issue of Maxim.  That’s all I am going to say on that matter.

9) Don’t be socially retarded
I hope I am not offending anyone with my choice of words, but I honestly don’t know how else to describe it.  I think even Sarah Palin would allow me the liberty of using this phrase. By ‘socially retarded’, I am talking about those men who lack basic, rudimentary conversation skills.  I am talking about a man with skills so poor that I would rather converse with a wall.  Nothing is worse than when you’re on a date and it feels like you’re pulling teeth for conversation  As my good friend Charlotte says, “The last thing I want to do on a date is play interviewer.”  For instance this is NOT acceptable,

Me: “What kind of music do you like?”

Man: “Classic rock”

Me: “Cool, what’s your favorite band?”

Man: “Led Zeppelin.”

Me: “Gotcha…[awkward silence] umm..umm..what’s your favorite song?”

Man: “Stairway to Heaven”

Me: [rolling my eyes] [planning my escape from this date]  Cool.

If a woman asks a question, all a man has to do is turn it around and ask her the same thing.  The bottom line is, if you’re a single man and know you lack basic social skills…in other words, if you are an engineer or computer geek by profession, then take a class or ask your female friends for help in this arena.  As a woman who has been in this situation, I can tell you it’s really uncomfortable and excruciatingly painful to have to sit there and think up questions just to pass the time until it’s safe to leave to go “meet up with friends in the area.”

10) Text her to see if she gets home safely
Now if you never want to see the girl again, then by all means do not feel obligated to text her to see if she got home safe.  In fact, I whole heartedly encourage you not to text her.  By not texting, it serves to give a woman an advance heads up notice that she should not bother fretting about whether or not you will call for a second date.  But if you have any inclination that you would like to see your date again, you must text her to see if she gets home ok.  Oh, stop sighing! It only takes 10 seconds to compose the text, “Did you get home ok?” I find it so aggravating the next day to get an email or text from a man that reads, “Hope you got home ok.”…You hope?!?!?!  I could be dead in a gutter some place for all you know by now.  Don’t’ you see, it’s totally a moot point the next day

Welp, that about wraps it up for now.  I hope that single men out there will take these Rules to heart.  I am really just trying to do them a public service by telling them exactly how to act on a first date.  Men always complain that women never tell them what they want.  They argue that we just make insinuations and give hints rather than spelling things out clearly.  Well, no more excuses because I  just told all you single men out there exactly what “most” women want on a first date.

If nothing else and you think I am full of shit, I hope you can at least have a laugh.  Because at the end of the day when it comes to dating, we all have to have a sense of humor.

Happy dating everyone!

If you have any comments or know of any eligible, tall, good looking, athletic single men in the DC area who would like to prove to me that they can master my rules, feel free to contact me at Kristinablair8@gmail.com.

Just in case you are curious, a grande coffee at Starbucks costs $2.04.  If you’re a friend of mine chances are that you have already heard my rant about my coffee date this past Sunday.  While the rage has somewhat dissipated, the experience was the catalyst that provoked me to write this blog, or what I like to refer to as my “PSA for Single Men.”  It’s my contribution to society and most importantly, single men.  Hey, Gloria Steinem might not approve, but you cannot please everyone.

The Infamous Coffee Date
In case you have not been privy to my recent facebook or gchat status messages, basically the story goes as follows: Man invites me on a date for coffee on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  (Now keep in mind, this is valuable time in which I could have been basking in the sun or catching up on the latest New Jersey Housewives saga).  But I decided what the hell.  It’s only coffee right? Plus ‘to boot’ he was tall and good looking, in other words he would be considered endangered specie in Washington, DC.  Before we sat down to engage in phony first date typical banter, we approached the Starbucks barista to order our beverages.  After I ordered my grande coffee, I politely took a step back to allow him to place his order.  The cashier promptly glanced to him and said, “And you sir?”  Rather than order his coffee, he did the unthinkable (and I remember it vividly)…He took a step back and said, “No, that’s ok I will pay for my own.” [Seeing red, daggers coming out of my eyes, blood pressure skyrocketing, smoke coming out of my ears] After letting out a huge sigh of utter disgust and doing my infamous eye roll, I shook my head, threw the $2.04 at the cashier and stomped my way over to the table, all the while mumbling profanities under my breath. In hindsight, I should have just told him what I really thought and walked the hell out.  This man could do nothing in my eyes to save face at this point. I don’t care if he told me he used to be in the Peace Corps, volunteers every week with the homeless or is a self-made Millionaire (well let’s not go crazy, perhaps I would have cut him some slack if here was a Millionaire… Pfff hey, times are tough) Nah I kid, nothing he could have said would have changed my mind.  He was already written off in my book.

**Public Disclaimer
Let me say that given my rather disastrous dating history, I probably have about as much of a right to write about dating as Britney Spears does to write about parenting.  With that said, I nonetheless urge everyone to pay it forward and hand my 5 Rules to at least one single man you know.  Let face it ladies, single men these days are friggin clueless.  They need our direction.  Parents, teachers and the media are all failing to teach young boys how to properly court a lady.  Of course we all know a few exceptional men who treat women like princesses. But they are about as prevalent as Republicans in Massachusetts. For the most part, men today are about as generous as Ebinezer Scroodge, polite as Barney Frank and as honest as Barry Bonds.

A recent young, single, male friend of mine (let’s call him “The Gimp”) that I often turn to for insight into the male psyche because I value his bluntness, recently told me my problem is that I hold men to a pedestal and expect too much.  Is The Gimp right? Am I expecting too much?  After contemplating The Gimp’s assertion, I have come to the conclusion that his argument is simply a cop out.  It’s an excuse that men use to justify the reasons why they act the way they do.  I challenge my friend, The Gimp, and argue that women should not settle for anything less than what they deserve.

So without further or do….I give you my Public Service Announcement….

2) Dress Appropriately
Do NOT show up in a t-shirt.  Do NOT show up in a pair of raggedy jeans you have worn incessantly since college.  Do NOT show up in sneakers that have mud stains on them and a ripped heel.  Do NOT wear a baseball cap with sweat stains dating back to the last time the last time the Orioles won the World Series.  (I can already hear the bitching from men now)….No one is asking you to show up in a double breasted tuxedo!  A simple polo and nice pair of jeans will suffice.  Comb your hair, brush your teeth, spray on a little cologne…it’s not that hard.  Compare to the primping us women have to endure before a date, men have it easier than getting tickets to a Nationals baseball game.

3) Don’t Be a Cheap Bastard
Listen, I know the economy is tough.  It’s a hard time for everyone right now.  But that is NO excuse not to pay for a woman on a first date.  I don’t care if after the date you are forced to go stand in the local breadline, if YOU ASK A GIRL OUT…YOU PAY!  When the bill comes you better reach for it faster than Kirstie Alley for a Krispy Kreme doughnut.  If you don’t have the money to foot the bill for a few drinks (think HH specials!!) or a friggin cup of joe, then buddy you should not even be concerned with dating.  I would suggest you go home, brush up the ole’ resume and hit the employment ads.  I don’t want to hear whines about women’s equality or it not being fair.  Life is not fair.  You pay on a first date.  There is simply no if, and or but.  Just suck it up and hand the server your Debit Card….and be sure to leave a tip J

4) Never EVER Bring Up the Ex
On a first date, I may want to know about your family?  I may be curious about what type of music you like? I may even inquire about your ideological leanings?  BUT unless a woman explicitly asks about your ex-girlfriend…Do NOT bring her up…EVER.  We don’t want to know!!  It makes us immediately wonder if you still are harboring feelings for her.  C’mon men, you know how we are.  The minute you drop the ex-factor we will be stalking your Facebook page to see what she looks like or spend countless hours pondering why you broke up.  Just spare us this aggravation.

5) Brush Up on Your Manners
Listen, I am not asking you to run to Barnes & Noble and pick up “Class with the Countess.”  Cripes, I don’t think you should be subjected to that kind of torture.  All I am saying is to be a class act.  Open a door, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, silence your phone, do not text your friends, ask her questions….you know, simple things Mommy taught you back in grade school.  It seems men today are ignorant of the aforementioned polite gestures.  Get on the ball men!  My single, attractive, 20something girlfriend (let’s call her Charlotte) once said, “I will never date East Coast boys.  They don’t open doors.”  While it may be true that on average East Coast boys are less chivalrous than Southern or Midwestern boys, I argue forget the accent, the whole entire population of single men needs a lesson in manners.  And on a side note boys, if you take a girl for a bite to eat, can you at least refrain from ordering buffalo or hot wings?  Us ladies do not want to witness how many dirty napkins you can accumulate or and how much hot/bluecheese sauce you can manage to get on your cheeks.

Well, I think that about does it.  I hope single men will take these rules seriously or at least offer some retort as to why I should consider amending any one of the 5.

Happy Dating Everyone!

Welp, I could not resist commenting on a few news items that appeared over the weekend…

Face transplant patient forgives husbandI am sure you have heard and seen the disturbing images of Connie Culp, the poor woman who underwent a face transplant last week.  Culp was shot in the face by her bastard husband in a failed murder-suicide attempt in 2004.  In an interview on Good Morning America, Culp said she forgives her husband, who is now serving a seven year prison sentence.  WHAT?!?!?!  Are you friggin kidding me?  She forgives him for shooting her in the face.  I am going to call her Saint Connie.  I could never in a million years ever, ever forgive someone for purposely shooting me in the face.  I mean I curse people if they bump into me on the Metro.  You gotta, give the woman credit though.  Hell, if that were me, I would just jump off a bridge rather than go through life looking like that.  And let me add, it’s a god damn disgrace that piece of shit husband of hers only received seven years.  I believe an eye for an eye would have been the appropriate punishment.  The judge should have let Saint Connie pull a Dick Cheney.

Cheney backs Limbaugh over Powell
Here’s a thought.  Hey Dick, just do the GOP a favor and go away.  My god, haven’t Republicans suffered enough this past year.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Cheney and applaud him for defending the CIA’s interrogation tactics following the 9-11 attacks.  But right now he needs to ‘make like a tree and leave.’ You don’t see former President George W. Bush causing any trouble.  He is perfectly content down on the ranch spending his free time bike riding, eating pretzels and clearing brush.  You know, pretty much how he spent most of his time as President.  Dick, how about you move to Alaska and go hunting with Sarah Palin?  Powell is right on regarding his assertions that the Republican Party needs to move to the center and reach out to minority communities.  Sorry he does not want President Obama to fail like that right-wing nut job, Rush Limbaugh.  Limbaugh is a disgrace to the Republican Party and during this political environment party leaders should be shunning him and embracing Powell.

Real life “Footloose” I am in shock that still in this day and age, schools like Heritage Christian School actually exist.  The School is threatening suspend and prohibit senior Tyler Frost from going to his graduation ceremony if he attends a public high school prom with his girlfriend.  The fundamentalist Baptist school in northwest Ohio forbids dancing, rock music, hand holding and kissing.  WTF?  Ok, who the hell is running this joint?  Where is the outrage?  These poor students have never been allowed to listen to Journey, Heart or Pat Benatar!  Never been allowed to do the electric slide? Forget Darfur for a moment, this is a travesty.  I say let the kid get jiggy with it, wave his hands in the air like he just don’t care, and cop a feel from his girlfriend during the last slow song of the evening and then call it a good ole’ night.  Right?

Star Trek grosses $75M over the weekend
This ballsy broad “will boldly go where no blogger has gone before”…Wow, there are a lot of friggin nerds out there.

As usual, I find myself compelled to comment on a few recent new items…

Cinco de Mayo 

I am sorry, but I don’t get all the hoopla over this holiday.  For Christ sake, you would think some people have never had a Corona or margarita before.  I don’t understand why America even celebrates Cinco de Mayo.  The ‘scholarly’ Wikipedia informs me this holiday celebrates the victory of 4,000 Mexican soldiers against 8,000 French forces on the morning of May 5, 1862.  Okay…I still don’t get why a minor battle that happened over 150 years ago warrants having a holiday celebration here in America.  If Americans are going to celebrate, we should be raising our beers on Alamo Day or Flag Day.  And not for nothing, Mexico has been nothing but a pain in the ass lately.  Between swine flu, drug trade and illegal immigration, we should be condemning the country not celebrating it.  I apologize upfront to the overly sensitive liberal types who I am sure were offended by this post.

Rep. Henry Waxman
Mother of god, he has to be the ugliest sitting Member of Congress.  Every picture I see of this cat I get more nauseated than the one before.  To be completely honest, I am ignorant when it comes to climate change and environmental issues.  I have no idea what the hell is going on in the House Energy and Commerce Committee, except that there seems to be some uproar about Waxman’s failure to moderate his position with respect to curbing carbon emissions.  Henry, forget your tirade against carbon emissions for a minute.  Instead, do yourself and your poor constituents, the poor souls who are forced to see your mugshot on a daily basis a favor, and get some sort of a makeover!  A toupee? Maybe some pins for those dumbo ears? An eyebrow wax?

Colin Powell
I have really come to adore this man.  Even though I was quite peeved right after he resigned as Secretary of State.  And after he left, I was a little perturbed when he criticized the Bush Administration’s decision to go into Iraq.  However, I now believe he may be the GOP’s saving grace.  He appears to be the lone voice of reason amongst a slew of buffoons like Gov. Sarah Palin, Rep. Eric Cantor and Rush Limbaugh.  In my opinion, Powell’s critique of the GOP is dead on.  If the GOP continues to alienate political moderates by bowing and catering to the fools of the ideologues and religious right, the party will inevitably suffer the same fate as the Whig or Bull Moose Party.   I really wish Powell would divorce that wife of his and run for President.  She is holding this man back from becoming the next Dwight Eisenhower.  Hey Powell I have three words for you, Attorney Raoul Felder.

Arlen Specter
Karma is a bitch, ain’t it Specter.  After switching from a Republican to a Democrat for no other good reason than his own self-interest, karma finally caught up with the spineless bastard.  Tuesday evening during a voice vote, the Senate voted to strip Specter of his 29 years of seniority, and thus effectively transforming him from one of the most senior senators to a lowly freshman on most committees.  That’s right.  He has about as much power on the Judiciary Committee as Senator Edward Kaufman…you know who he is right?  Hahaha…No doubt, this diminished status will certainly not help him in the eyes of voters.

Virgin Lips Movement
Alright, I don’t even know what to say about this “movement.”  For once, this ballsy Boston broad is speechless (well, okay only for a few seconds though).  In a nut shell, there are couples out there saving their first kiss until their wedding day.  Their wedding day!!!  So basically the most intimate things these couples do before making it official is holding hands and hugging…maybe a massage if they get a little naughty.  This is ludicrous.  No doubt this movement probably gets the endorsement of Sarah Palin.  Not surprisingly, as a result, many of these couples are sprinting to the church alter at a very young… Oh, I am sure these marriages will last about as long as Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s….

Manny Being Manny
Well, what am I supposed to say that I am shocked? When I heard the news I was just about as surprised as when I learned that A-Rod, Mark McGwire and Roger Clemens used anabolic steroids and human growth hormone to improve their performance.  What pisses me off the most is that it taints the Red Sox World Series wins.  But you know, rather than throw the book at him, I bet the Dodgers management and most baseball fans will just chalk it up as “Manny Being Manny.”  And I bet as soon as he hits his first homerun after returning from his 50 game suspension, fans in Dodgers Stadium will be on their feet cheering for the cheating bastard.