Ballsy Boston Broad

Just in case you are curious, a grande coffee at Starbucks costs $2.04.  If you’re a friend of mine chances are that you have already heard my rant about my coffee date this past Sunday.  While the rage has somewhat dissipated, the experience was the catalyst that provoked me to write this blog, or what I like to refer to as my “PSA for Single Men.”  It’s my contribution to society and most importantly, single men.  Hey, Gloria Steinem might not approve, but you cannot please everyone.

The Infamous Coffee Date
In case you have not been privy to my recent facebook or gchat status messages, basically the story goes as follows: Man invites me on a date for coffee on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  (Now keep in mind, this is valuable time in which I could have been basking in the sun or catching up on the latest New Jersey Housewives saga).  But I decided what the hell.  It’s only coffee right? Plus ‘to boot’ he was tall and good looking, in other words he would be considered endangered specie in Washington, DC.  Before we sat down to engage in phony first date typical banter, we approached the Starbucks barista to order our beverages.  After I ordered my grande coffee, I politely took a step back to allow him to place his order.  The cashier promptly glanced to him and said, “And you sir?”  Rather than order his coffee, he did the unthinkable (and I remember it vividly)…He took a step back and said, “No, that’s ok I will pay for my own.” [Seeing red, daggers coming out of my eyes, blood pressure skyrocketing, smoke coming out of my ears] After letting out a huge sigh of utter disgust and doing my infamous eye roll, I shook my head, threw the $2.04 at the cashier and stomped my way over to the table, all the while mumbling profanities under my breath. In hindsight, I should have just told him what I really thought and walked the hell out.  This man could do nothing in my eyes to save face at this point. I don’t care if he told me he used to be in the Peace Corps, volunteers every week with the homeless or is a self-made Millionaire (well let’s not go crazy, perhaps I would have cut him some slack if here was a Millionaire… Pfff hey, times are tough) Nah I kid, nothing he could have said would have changed my mind.  He was already written off in my book.

**Public Disclaimer
Let me say that given my rather disastrous dating history, I probably have about as much of a right to write about dating as Britney Spears does to write about parenting.  With that said, I nonetheless urge everyone to pay it forward and hand my 5 Rules to at least one single man you know.  Let face it ladies, single men these days are friggin clueless.  They need our direction.  Parents, teachers and the media are all failing to teach young boys how to properly court a lady.  Of course we all know a few exceptional men who treat women like princesses. But they are about as prevalent as Republicans in Massachusetts. For the most part, men today are about as generous as Ebinezer Scroodge, polite as Barney Frank and as honest as Barry Bonds.

A recent young, single, male friend of mine (let’s call him “The Gimp”) that I often turn to for insight into the male psyche because I value his bluntness, recently told me my problem is that I hold men to a pedestal and expect too much.  Is The Gimp right? Am I expecting too much?  After contemplating The Gimp’s assertion, I have come to the conclusion that his argument is simply a cop out.  It’s an excuse that men use to justify the reasons why they act the way they do.  I challenge my friend, The Gimp, and argue that women should not settle for anything less than what they deserve.

So without further or do….I give you my Public Service Announcement….

2) Dress Appropriately
Do NOT show up in a t-shirt.  Do NOT show up in a pair of raggedy jeans you have worn incessantly since college.  Do NOT show up in sneakers that have mud stains on them and a ripped heel.  Do NOT wear a baseball cap with sweat stains dating back to the last time the last time the Orioles won the World Series.  (I can already hear the bitching from men now)….No one is asking you to show up in a double breasted tuxedo!  A simple polo and nice pair of jeans will suffice.  Comb your hair, brush your teeth, spray on a little cologne…it’s not that hard.  Compare to the primping us women have to endure before a date, men have it easier than getting tickets to a Nationals baseball game.

3) Don’t Be a Cheap Bastard
Listen, I know the economy is tough.  It’s a hard time for everyone right now.  But that is NO excuse not to pay for a woman on a first date.  I don’t care if after the date you are forced to go stand in the local breadline, if YOU ASK A GIRL OUT…YOU PAY!  When the bill comes you better reach for it faster than Kirstie Alley for a Krispy Kreme doughnut.  If you don’t have the money to foot the bill for a few drinks (think HH specials!!) or a friggin cup of joe, then buddy you should not even be concerned with dating.  I would suggest you go home, brush up the ole’ resume and hit the employment ads.  I don’t want to hear whines about women’s equality or it not being fair.  Life is not fair.  You pay on a first date.  There is simply no if, and or but.  Just suck it up and hand the server your Debit Card….and be sure to leave a tip J

4) Never EVER Bring Up the Ex
On a first date, I may want to know about your family?  I may be curious about what type of music you like? I may even inquire about your ideological leanings?  BUT unless a woman explicitly asks about your ex-girlfriend…Do NOT bring her up…EVER.  We don’t want to know!!  It makes us immediately wonder if you still are harboring feelings for her.  C’mon men, you know how we are.  The minute you drop the ex-factor we will be stalking your Facebook page to see what she looks like or spend countless hours pondering why you broke up.  Just spare us this aggravation.

5) Brush Up on Your Manners
Listen, I am not asking you to run to Barnes & Noble and pick up “Class with the Countess.”  Cripes, I don’t think you should be subjected to that kind of torture.  All I am saying is to be a class act.  Open a door, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, silence your phone, do not text your friends, ask her questions….you know, simple things Mommy taught you back in grade school.  It seems men today are ignorant of the aforementioned polite gestures.  Get on the ball men!  My single, attractive, 20something girlfriend (let’s call her Charlotte) once said, “I will never date East Coast boys.  They don’t open doors.”  While it may be true that on average East Coast boys are less chivalrous than Southern or Midwestern boys, I argue forget the accent, the whole entire population of single men needs a lesson in manners.  And on a side note boys, if you take a girl for a bite to eat, can you at least refrain from ordering buffalo or hot wings?  Us ladies do not want to witness how many dirty napkins you can accumulate or and how much hot/bluecheese sauce you can manage to get on your cheeks.

Well, I think that about does it.  I hope single men will take these rules seriously or at least offer some retort as to why I should consider amending any one of the 5.

Happy Dating Everyone!