Single men, c’mon did you really think I was finished?
Before I get started…
No doubt South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is happily singing “Man in the Mirror” right now. Due to the sudden death of pop icon, Michael Jackson, the media’s coverage of the Sanford scandal disappeared quicker than the sun in Boston. Needless to say, in this day in age, we are about as shocked to learn that an elected official is having an extramarital affair as we are to learn that a professional baseball player is using steroids. In other words, it is merely commonplace in society—A few recent examples include Sen. David Vitter, Sen. John Ensign, former Sen. John Edwards, former New York Attorney General Elliot Spitzer…and of course the one that takes the cake, Governor Mark Sanford. Now it takes every fiber in my body for me not to go off on a rant about why these men are hypocrites, especially the Republicans in the group, who relentlessly preach family values and the sanctity of the institution of marriage on the campaign trail. But, I will refrain for the time being. Rather, I feel the need to comment on what disgusts me most about each of these men–their WIVES.
What is wrong with these women? I just don’t understand. They are a disgrace. Every single one of them. They can play that damn Tammy Wynette song until the cows come home, but the fact that they continue to stand by their man, despite the fact that their husbands intentionally deceived and lied to them, makes them look like desperate, pathetic fools. This whole nonsense about staying together for the sake of the children is rubbish. It actually does more harm that good because it only creates a false sense of security and love for the kiddies. Why put on such a facade of love? This is not 1940. Each of these women are capable of living independent and financially stable lives. Where is their self-respect? Where is their dignity?
For instance, let’s take Darlene Ensign. Shortly after her husband admitted his affair during a press conference, she issued a statement saying, “the couple’s marriage has become ‘stronger’ after the affair and that she loved her husband.” Give me a break. I would bet their marriage is about as strong as Bernard Madoff’s defense case. And how about Elizabeth Edwards? Now let me say upfront that I admire her courage and strength as she battles terminal cancer. She seems like a wonderful mother and kind woman, but while her douchebag ‘Ken doll’ of a husband sought the Democratic nomination for President, she stood right by him even after she new of his past rendezvous with that ‘Sofia Cappola’ wannabe campaign staffer.
And then of course there is the biggest idiot of them all, Jenny Sanford. After her husband publicly declares that his Argentinean mistress is his soul mate and that he has had several other indiscretions in the past, she issued a statement saying, “The real issue now is one of forgiveness. I am willing to forgive Mark for his actions. The Bible says, “In your anger do not sin.” (Psalm 4:4) In this situation, this speaks to the essence of forgiveness and the critical need to channel one’s energy into positive steps that uphold the dignity of marriage and the family, and lead to reconciliation over time.” She is a god damn moron for staying with him and I hope he cheats on her again and again. I have no sympathy for her. In fact, she is setting a very poor example for her boys, who will probably go on to cheat on their wives because hey why not? The Bible preaches forgiveness, and Mommy forgave Daddy. Jenny, do me a favor, screw the Bible and try this: “I am filing for divorce, seeking full custody of the children and getting my bastard husband for every penny he’s worth.”(Psalm Ballsy Boston Broad 7:14)Ok, enough of the Stepford wives…
Single men, c’mon did you really think I was finished?…
It’s been almost two weeks since I posted my “Public Service Announcement for Single Men” and I’m stunned by the amount of hits and comments I have received from both sexes in response to the “5 Rules” I laid out. While I was not surprised that women applauded my blog in the same fashion Madaam Speaker Nancy Pelosi applauded President Obama during his State of the Union Address, I was however taken aback by good number of men who concurred with me. In fact, a lot of male readers agreed that not picking up the tab or calling for a first date was as unacceptable as Rosie O’Donnell wearing a string bikini in public. A few even expressed that they were embarrassed that their breed could be so oblivious about such proper first date protocol. With that said, I of course also received some backlash from other male readers who argue that the “Rules” are complete bullshit and the fact that I even prescribe to such nonsense probably explains why I am single in the first place. I also got the occasional smart ass comment like, “Well wonder if the first date is a baseball game, the guy is not allowed to wear a baseball cap?” (rolling my eyes) Umm, listen of course there are obvious exceptions. Christ I am not saying the “Rules” are written in stone. But I do sincerely believe that for the most part, they should apply on the majority of first dates.
I am not a dating expert
This blog is in no means intended to be a dating/relationship blog. I fully intend to continue to comment on current events, politics and celebrity news. However, given that the “Rules” seem to give people a chuckle, raise some eyebrows, as well as piss a some single men off, I feel compelled to add a few more. Now, I am no Candace Bushnell or Dr. Ruth, but I have been on enough bad dates and a handful of good dates in my time to know what men should do and not do if they want to gain the respect of a woman the first time around.
I can already hear the bitching from the single men out there, “Ulgh, more Rules?” Of course, there are more rules! Listen, you single men should be kissing my feet, especially you Washington, DC bachelors. I cannot speak for other parts of the country, but for the most part the men of the mid-Atlantic are completely clueless. I am doing you a public service by telling you what you should do, and what you should not do. Hell, this ballsy broad could go on forever, but I know you men have very short attention spans so I will be curt.
I know it appears that on the surface I am just a “man hater.” I assure you I am not. I know some very good men who treat their partners like gold. Granted most live in Dupont Circle, but the point is I know what men are capable of. That is why I am trying to help you schmucks out and improve your game. Believe me, I know us single women have our own issues, but we usually don’t reveal our psycho behaviors or insecurities till much later on. Christ sake, you men cannot even get past the first date!
I will be honest. I was apprehensive about creating a sequel since we all know most sequels typically blow—think Speed, Teen Wolf, Child’s Play, Grease…the follow-up to these silverscreen gems were a huge letdown. But what the hell, maybe I will luck out just like Spielberg did with Back to the Future….
The Rules, Part II
6) Do NOT arrive late
Set your alarm clock, blackberry, cell phone…whatever the hell you use to keep track of time. Just don’t be late! In fact, I always recommend arriving 5 minutes early. Believe me that will earn you bonus points in any lady’s eyes. I get so disgusted if I am scheduled to meet a guy at 8PM and he texts me at 7:59:59 PM to tell me that he is running late! Thanks a lot for the heads up dumbass (while I am already at the bar waiting) My rule of thumb is tardiness is excusable only if he arrives late looking like Tom Brady, with the body of Matthew McConaughey and the sense of humor of Jimmy Fallon. Otherwise ladies, cut the clown loose. Men, that means you have to do your homework. Therefore, if you’re taking the METRO, quickly check the website to see if there are any major delays or if there is single tracking on your line. If you’re driving, quickly check the local traffic to see if there has been a major pileup on your expected route. If so, you better leave extra early. Now, I understand sometimes things happen that are uncontrollable. But more often than not, the real reason a man shows up late is because he brilliantly decides to lay down for a nap a few hours before the date, only to wake-up all disheveled, discombobulated, and groggy.
7) There is no binge drinking in dating
Do not pull a David Hasselhoff. Look if you’re a light weight, that’s alright. We are not judging you by how much alcohol you can consume at one sitting. I think most women actually prefer men who keep the cocktails to a minimum, especially on a first date. That tells us you are genuinely interested in getting to know us and are focused on the content of what we are saying (even though we know you sneak a peek at our ass when we go to the restroom). Do us a favor, have something to eat before the date, stay clear of mixed drinks or do whatever the hell else is necessary to prevent you from slurring your words. It’s very sad for a woman on a date to have to sit back and watch a man drink himself into a stupor. It’s unattractive and I guarantee there will not be a second date. Save the beer pong and flippy cup antics for post-kickball. There is nothing more embarrassing than having to ask the bartender to “cut you off.” So remember when you’re on a date, keep the drinking to a minimum, plus it will keep your tab less expensive…cause remember Rule #3…You’re paying.
God help you, be a gentleman
Men, I am about to describe what is perhaps the most infuriating and disrespectful act you can commit on a first date. So, face forward lads and listen up! Now pay attention you horny bastards, there is nothing more appalling than having great first date—laughing, non-stop and easily flowing conversation, genuinely enjoying each other’s company, flirtatious touches here and there—then having it end with the male whispering in the woman’s ear, “Hey, want to come back to my place?”—RED ALERT, LOUD SIRENS—Now it’s not for me to judge any woman’s prerogative, but unless she explicitly invites herself back to your bat cave, do not even think about asking her to do so on a first date. Now if you ignore this rule and foolishly do so anyway and she declines, for the love of god just accept a simple no. Why is it always in this circumstance that a man decides to embrace his inner Johnny Cochran persona and plead his case for the next 30 minutes as to why the woman should rethink her decision. Listen fellas, no is no. Get over it. There is nothing more pathetic than a man begging a woman to come home with him. Can’t you just be satisfied with a peck goodnight? I understand we are a society that thrives on instant gratification and that the whole courting process is viewed as a hassle to single men these days. But if you want a second date (as well as to free yourself of the risk of being blogged about by some ‘ballsy broad’ out there) then just be happy with a peck and go settle “back at your place” with the latest issue of Maxim. That’s all I am going to say on that matter.
9) Don’t be socially retarded
I hope I am not offending anyone with my choice of words, but I honestly don’t know how else to describe it. I think even Sarah Palin would allow me the liberty of using this phrase. By ‘socially retarded’, I am talking about those men who lack basic, rudimentary conversation skills. I am talking about a man with skills so poor that I would rather converse with a wall. Nothing is worse than when you’re on a date and it feels like you’re pulling teeth for conversation As my good friend Charlotte says, “The last thing I want to do on a date is play interviewer.” For instance this is NOT acceptable,
Me: “What kind of music do you like?”
Man: “Classic rock”
Me: “Cool, what’s your favorite band?”
Man: “Led Zeppelin.”
Me: “Gotcha…[awkward silence] umm..umm..what’s your favorite song?”
Man: “Stairway to Heaven”
Me: [rolling my eyes] [planning my escape from this date] Cool.
If a woman asks a question, all a man has to do is turn it around and ask her the same thing. The bottom line is, if you’re a single man and know you lack basic social skills…in other words, if you are an engineer or computer geek by profession, then take a class or ask your female friends for help in this arena. As a woman who has been in this situation, I can tell you it’s really uncomfortable and excruciatingly painful to have to sit there and think up questions just to pass the time until it’s safe to leave to go “meet up with friends in the area.”
10) Text her to see if she gets home safely
Now if you never want to see the girl again, then by all means do not feel obligated to text her to see if she got home safe. In fact, I whole heartedly encourage you not to text her. By not texting, it serves to give a woman an advance heads up notice that she should not bother fretting about whether or not you will call for a second date. But if you have any inclination that you would like to see your date again, you must text her to see if she gets home ok. Oh, stop sighing! It only takes 10 seconds to compose the text, “Did you get home ok?” I find it so aggravating the next day to get an email or text from a man that reads, “Hope you got home ok.”…You hope?!?!?! I could be dead in a gutter some place for all you know by now. Don’t’ you see, it’s totally a moot point the next day
Welp, that about wraps it up for now. I hope that single men out there will take these Rules to heart. I am really just trying to do them a public service by telling them exactly how to act on a first date. Men always complain that women never tell them what they want. They argue that we just make insinuations and give hints rather than spelling things out clearly. Well, no more excuses because I just told all you single men out there exactly what “most” women want on a first date.
If nothing else and you think I am full of shit, I hope you can at least have a laugh. Because at the end of the day when it comes to dating, we all have to have a sense of humor.
Happy dating everyone!
If you have any comments or know of any eligible, tall, good looking, athletic single men in the DC area who would like to prove to me that they can master my rules, feel free to contact me at Kristinablair8@gmail.com.
