Random Shit that Annoys the Hell Out of Me, but Really Shouldn’t…
1. Self-Checkout Lanes
It annoys me when a person thinks they’re a big shot and can ring up their own purchase only to fail miserably and have to endure the shame of having the store manager assist them. I really wish grocery and drug-stores would do away with self-checkout lanes. For Christ sake, from what I have witnessed, there are very few people in this world who are able to complete an entire transaction without the stupid overhead blinking light coming on or a sales clerk being called over to help. People are just too stupid apparently. There is nothing more excruciating than watching an elderly person attempt to use the self-checkout at the grocery store. First of all, it takes them at least 20 minutes just to find their “Giant (Stop & Shop)” card. But the worst part is watching them attempt to weigh and enter the produce codes into the register because the print on the produce stickers are too small for them to read. It takes a good half-hour for an elderly person to determine whether an apple is a god damn Gala or Fuji.
2. Overweight People Who Post Status Messages About Food
It annoys me when overweight people post Facebook status messages about the fattening foods they have eaten. Listen if you’re big and proud of it, well good for you. However, personally I don’t understand how anyone could be overweight and be happy, but that’s just me. Nevertheless, to each is own. But I am just going to say it. It outright disgusts me to hear status messages of “Susie had fried clams and french fries tonight from Kelly’s Roast Beef” when Susie can’t walk up a flight of stairs. Or “Steve is washing down his Five Guys cheeseburger with a milkshake” when ole Stevie can’t see his feet. If I were tipping the scale, I would be self-conscious of my eating habits and would not flaunt them to the world. I mean it’s like if an anorexic posting “no dinner for me tonight.” I just don’t get it.
3. The Insert Key on the Keyboard
It annoys me when I accidentally hit the insert key, only to realize three lines of typing later I have completely typed over my existing text. Why the hell does this key exist? It just wreaks havoc. There is no need for it. If you need to insert something, simply use the mouse and insert. This key provides no purpose other than to make your life miserable when you accidentally hit it. I have never hit that key with the purpose of inserting something.
4. CVS Cashiers
It annoys me how impatient CVS cashiers are. Ok, don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to rant on someone who makes $7.25/hour but the cashiers at CVS never even give you a second to drop your merchandise on the counter before they are up your ass asking “Do you have a CVS card?” I mean let me catch my bearings and get settled at the register first. They never give people a chance to catch their breath. Most people do have their cards handy in their purse or pockets and will get them out if the cashiers just gave them 5 seconds to do so. Now what really gets my goat is when every week I go to the same CVS and get rung up by the same cashier, and she always asks “Do you have a CVS card?” WTF!! I come here every week. You know I have one! Save your breath!
5. Monday Morning Office Talk
It annoys me how phony and disingenuous Monday morning office small talk is. For example, a typical Monday morning office conversation plays out as follows:
Phil: “Good morning Jane, how was your weekend?”
Jane: “It was good Phil. I went out Friday evening and relaxed the rest of the weekend. How was yours?”
Phil: “Great, I had some quality time with the wife and kids but it was too short as usual”
Jane: “Hahaha(phony laugh)..I know. We had beautiful weather though.”
Phil: “Yes, it was simply gorgeous”
C’mon give me a break. For once I would like people to be honest like this:
Phil: “Good morning Jane, how was your weekend?”
Jane: “Oh it was awful. I had a terrible date with a cheap bastard who ‘broke all the rules’ on Friday and Saturday my AC broke. How was yours?
Phil: “Eh, my wife nagged me the entire weekend to stop playing Madden 10 and help her with housework and my son got in a fender bender in our new car.”
Jane: “Oh that sucks. And the weather did not help. It was humid and muggy as hell. I hate this god damn heat”
Phil: “Me too. (sigh) Back to the grind.”
6. Metro Newspaper Workers
It annoys me every morning before I take the escalator down to the Metro, I am accosted by Metro newspaper workers shoving this rag in my face, practically forcing me to take one. I don’t want to read that useless garbage. If I wanted to read a paper on my way to work, I would pick up a respected publication like the NY Times or Washington Post. All I want to do is listen to my Ipod in peace. I read news all day long as a part of my job. I don’t want to read a paper while I am squished like a sardine in an oven-heated Metro car! Can you please leave me alone? And on that note, why do we even need people handing out these papers. Can’t Metro just place a stand with a sign, “Take One”? Wouldn’t that save taxpayer dollars?
7. The “Keep in Touch” Line
It annoys me when people write “Keep in touch” at the end of an email, but you never hear from them again. Why can’t people just be honest and say “have a nice life sucker”?
8. People Who Don’t Press Clear on the Microwave
It annoys me when people cannot take a few seconds to be courteous by simply pressing the clear button on the microwave. Is it that hard after you have finished warming up your food, to press clear? I like to approach a microwave and see the time clock flashing in my face. I don’t want to see how “High 2:34” on the screen!
9. Bags on Seats of a Crowded Metro Train
It annoys me when I force my way on to a crowded Metro car and I see a person occupying a seat with their bag. How dare they take up a seat with their oversized purse or laptop bag. It’s so nervy, especially when you see older people holding on the overhead rail for dear life as the train abruptly stops and starts from station to station.
10. Supermarket Tabloids
It annoys me when I am in line at the grocery store trying feverishly to find the article the tabloid has posted on the cover but it’s no where to be found. I mean sometimes I think I would have a better chance finding Osama Bin Laden than the article with the pictures of the celebrities with cellulite or without make-up. My god it’s so stressful because I only have limited time before I need to start putting my food on the moving belt. Now granted I could dish out the four bucks and buy it to read at my leisure, but that takes all the fun out of it. Christ almighty, I usually find myself praying the customer in front of me needs a price check to buy me a few more minutes to scan the pages of the juicy gossip laden paper. Why can’t tabloids just put all their cover stories at the beginning and save us shoppers the anguish every week?
Well, that’s all for now. I am sure I will I have a few more to add later on. A special thanks to my Mom for giving me a few ideas 
August 25th, 2009 at 3:35 am
1. Self-Checkout Lanes
Oh come on, I use them all the time. Anything over about 20 items though, and I go to a real line, and I figure thats where the issue is. That and the stupid things are overzealous about sniffing out scofflaws.
2. Overweight People Who Post Status Messages About Food
When your life revolves around food, you’re gonna talk about it! The solution is to make less tasty food.
3. The Insert Key on the Keyboard
When I’m going without a mouse (happens often when I’m poking around on my server), its a lifesaver. Its one of those things that holds a really good use for a small population. Curiously, my new keyboard doesn’t even have an Insert key.
4. CVS Cashiers
Ugh, they are the bane of my existence. I tell them NOT to auto-refill something, I can be guaranteed they will, and then call me proudly every day telling me how ready it is, and aren’t they so awesome? CONVENIENCE!
5. Monday Morning Office Talk
Thank god I’m unemployed. I used to have a swimmer who would ask how my weekend was, then quickly add “Not that I give a shit.” It was refreshing, especially considering she was late 70s.
6. Metro Newspaper Workers
They make good insulation for homeless people. Crumple em up, stick em in your coat, and you’ve just added 20 degrees of awesome. And without the pushy metro mongers, who would take the metros that end up as insulation?
7. The “Keep in Touch” Line
They obviously want YOU to keep in touch with THEM. They’re lazy and dropping a hint.
8. People Who Don’t Press Clear on the Microwave
Especially those who stop it at 0:01. Why the hell couldn’t you wait the extra second?
9. Bags on Seats of a Crowded Metro Train
If they didn’t do it, they might have to sit next to the unwashed masses. Its a buffer zone.
10. Tabloids
They want you to buy them, silly! If they made it easy to read, only the slow readers would buy them. Just get better at skimming, you’ll be master of the not-paying-for-tabloids soon.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Andrew–Hysterical! My favorite is #8! “Why the hell couldn’t you wait the extra second?” HAHA
September 25th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
1. I think the real problem with self-checkouts is that they don’t have automated cattle prods (or hot branding irons). Some people are capable of ringing up their own groceries in a timely manner; for those who aren’t, here’s the store’s brand for your asses! Let that be a lesson.
2. I dunno — you gotta write what you know about. And they know their subject inside-out. Haha! Gross.
3. I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! And what the hell’s the “SysReq” (System Request) key? Scroll Lock needs to justify its existence too because I’ve had it up to *here* with that thing.
4. I don’t know what CVS is. And it sounds like I don’t wanna know.
5. I know *exactly* what you mean — http://www.torontocitylife.com/2009/06/08/did-you-read-about-that-guy/
6. I use handouts to wipe crumbs and other bits of food/drink from my face, politely handing them back with a friendly “thanks”. Wasn’t that thoughtful of them?
7. Exactly. Keep in touch my ass! (however that reads, I stand by it)
8. That is kinda presumptuous of people, isn’t it? I need more than the thirty-seven seconds they decided to leave on the clock for me. And what about the exploded entrails of whatever nasty piece of whatever they were cooking for lunch? The oven’s not going to clean itself, people!
9. I’ve given this problem some thoughts and have a few practical suggestions — http://www.torontocitylife.com/2009/04/29/the-practical-gentleman%E2%80%99s-guide-to-urban-insolence-no3/
10. I couldn’t agree with you more! It’s like they don’t *want* us to know how Lindsay Lohan is corrupting her younger sister with the partying and the drugs and the whatnot.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Laughing my ass off, Patrick! I will be posting another list this weekend…stay tuned…your #2 is a riot!
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:25 pm
[...] The Express Line at the Grocery Store Before I get ready to watch American Idol and roll my eyes at Ellen, there is one more rant I need to get off my chest. I was at the grocery store with my boyfriend recently and we were waiting in line to purchase a grocery cart full of food items. I let mean let me tell you—the damn cart was packed to the max. So we are waiting and waiting and then a man with a gallon of milk and can of Campbell’s tomato soup walks up behind us in line. At first I thought he was confused and mistook our line for the Express line (you know 12 items or less). But no he just got in line and proceeded to stare at me like I was supposed to let him go ahead because he had 2 items and I had 53. Now this has happened before to me. What the hell? Is this like some scheme or ploy people use to expedite their way to the front of the line? C’mon shoppers, but if you have less than 12 items please go to the Express line or self-checkout line (although as you already know I hate those too!) [...]